The Lilac Horizon Between a Blue Sky and a Red Earth

Sokka's Probelms

Zuko eats another meal by himself. He'd offered, borderline begged Katara to stay, but she told him Aang would be expecting her. So, here he is, alone and lost in his own thoughts once again. They aren't nearly as belligerent as they used to be, and not quite so self deprecating, but Zuko always worries that this streak of peace he's found is a mere phase in the grand scheme of his unhappy life. He doesn't let himself think about things that might cause a relapse in his good behavior. His sister and father will, at times, cross though his mind, and as well deserved their sentence was, the thought of them rotting away in jail made him cringe in guilt. When he finds himself thinking of this, and how horrible of a person he must be, he reminds himself of the crimes and murders they're responsible for, and the fact that within his three years of banishment, neither of them really tried to reach out to him. Him, a member of the royal family. A member of their family. What does that even mean anymore?
He can't even bring himself to think about his mother. Presumed dead, they had told him. No body, no sightings, no reports.
Zuko does his best to accept this, but even though he can't, not really, not ever, he feels it still jabbing away at his jaded, scarred heart. Maybe not so jaded that he was incapable of more redemption, and maybe not so jaded that he was cursed to remain this way forever. Maybe just enough so that he might resist the fading pain of his adolescence.
"Fire Lord Zuko?"
"Hm?"
"The royal chopsticks, sir."
Zuko looks at his hand. His wooden utensils have turned to ash in his palm.
All Zuko says is, "Oh."
The servant hesitates. "Would you like me to get the-"
"Yes," Zuko groans, a little ashamed of his lack of control.
The servant bows and scurries off, returning a moment later with the common chopsticks, made from clay. He takes them and finishes his meal with them, while also somehow humbled by them.

-------

Sokka visits Zuko at the palace before he goes to bed. He is escorted into the study where the Fire Lord is studying a stack of crumpled papers delivered to him that morning. He's thankful for the warrior's presence and turns to greet him.
"Hi," he says, bowing. Sokka bows back, awkwardly.
"You don't have to bow, you know. I'm not royalty."
"There's no reason for me not to bow," Zuko replies as earnestly as possible.
"Right," Sokka scratches the back of his head. "Anyway. Um, I wanted to ask you something."
"Is it about Toph's transfer? Because those types of things take more than just a few days."
"I know, I know. It's not about that. It's about Suki."
"Oh. Have you proposed?"
"No. About that, though," he hesitates, hung up on words. "I know that I'm supposed to propose. I know that I'm supposed to present her with a gift that symbolizes our engagement. It's a promise of marriage, and marriage is a lifelong thing. What if I can't see myself committing like that? What if I don't think I'm that kind of person? Or what if I'm just not that kind of person?"
"What makes you think you're not the type for commitment?" Zuko inquires, arching his eyebrow.
"Because I-" he cuts off. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"I have no reason to tell."
"Good. Well, recently, even though it's been years, and all it really added up to was a sort of a fling, and I was young, but for some reason, I can't stop thinking about," he hesitates, noticeably conflicted.  "Yue."
"The moon girl?"
Sokka nods sadly.
"That's rough, buddy."
He shoots him a sidelong glance, laced with gloomy familiarity.
"Yeah. It is."
"Why are you suddenly thinking about Yue?"
"Because when you marry, you completely give up the possibilities of being with anyone else. At least that's how it is in the Southern Water Tribe. I mean, if you...if Yue could turn into the moon, there's no reason she can't return someday and leap into my arms. Right? I was so young and so naive. I'd never gotten quite personal with her, and I was sure I'd marry her, and conceive with her, and die with her. And if she does miraculously, you know, return, how would I deal with that? Would I just have to tell her to leave me alone and watch someone I love walk away?"
"This might be awful to hear, especially from me, but Yue is not coming back. She will never take her human form again. You saw what happened when the world was left without a moon. And that was only for a few minutes. She's right where she needs to be and that is not here."
"You don't get it. You don't see what I see. She's in my dreams, I see her face in the darkness right before I fall asleep and right before I'm completely awake. It hurts me to know that when I wake up hard, it's because of someone I had a crush on as a kid and not because of the girl I'm planning on marrying."
Zuko is suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. All that is on his mind for a full second is Mai, and then, when the image of her face disperses, Katara.
"Zuko?"
The Fire Lord slips back into reality.
"Sokka, do you love Suki?"
"Yes. I do love Suki. I absolutely love her."
"Are you attracted to her?"
He exhales purposefully through his nostrils.
"Yes. I am."
"Does the idea of being with her and only her for the rest of your life bother you so much that you're willing to risk everything to chase after a girl who doesn't technically exist anymore?"
The pair fall silent at Zuko's question. They stare. There is tension. For a split second, he thinks Sokka might do something spontaneous, something like punch Zuko, or maybe kiss him. It seems that neither of them know quite what to do.
Zuko uses the silence to question his own internal motives. Was he not putting forth enough effort to salvage his own relationship? Why did he even feel comfortable enough lecturing Sokka on a subject at which he can feel himself actively failing?
He's starting to think his judgement is blurred by the lack of gratification he's been receiving from his relationship lately. He hates to think it'll be this way forever, loveless and sexless.
"Dude, why are you staring at me like that?"
He drops his gaze to his feet. First Katara, and now her brother. Zuko needs to patch things up with Mai, and soon. He can't start thinking this way about boys, especially Sokka.
"Just make sure things are okay between the two of you before you propose. That includes the other person's family, and whether or not they'll try to turn her against you."
Sokka frowns. "Is this about Mai?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes, it matters. I'm coming to you for relationship advice, while you're having your own issues?"
Zuko grits his teeth. He knew Sokka would be too smart to not see right through him. His hypocrisy is blatant, and Sokka senses it like a splinter.
"I think you are in a much better position than I was when I proposed. There's no pressure on you to make someone a Fire Lady and expand the current royal family, especially now since all of the remaining members are either dead, imprisoned, or tea-obsessed. You can leave if you think it's not worth it. You can protect yourself with no shame attached. And what's better, you still have time to make sure that you have the right girl."
"Oh, shit," Sokka whispers.
Zuko cinches his jaw and jerks his head away. He almost can't believe his own lack of resolve, but why should he be surprised? He's never been the most centered person.
"I am so sorry," the warrior says as sincerely as he's ever heard.
"Don't let me be an example," Zuko tells him, failing to look him in the eye. "I'm a bad one. Marry Suki. She's good to you, from what I've heard. She's loyal."
"Yeah. She is."
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Sokka bite his lip.
"So you and Mai hit a dry spell, huh?"
"It's been months," he grumbles, watching the stray hairs sway in his breath. He reaches up and removes his crown, then lets his hair cascade down over his face and neck.
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing. What is there to be done?"
"You know, the Fire Nation has an underground brothel. I hear it's only for the upper class, for those who have a reputation to protect. Nobody talks. You could go and relieve yourself of your burden, all without sacrificing your honor."
"Adultery in and of itself is a sacrifice of one's honor."
"It's not adultery. Your servants feed you, and make sure you're well maintained. It's the same thing, only the servants are female, and they-"
"It's different," Zuko sighs.
"It's a service. A place of business. And it might help you. It's just a suggestion."
With that, Sokka leaves the room, leaving Zuko to wallow in his own guilt.