Dear Friend,
I don't know how else to put this....I'm not even really sure where I'm going with this. Lets start with our memories.
I remember the first time I saw you. It was the first week of school and I walked into class late. There you were, just sitting and smiling. You turned towards the door like most people would do, and that big goofy smile was still on your face. I remember you having that fade and your glasses pushed up your nose. Knowing me and my very stale face I didn't smile back, I just scanned the room. I sat in front of you with my freshly relaxed hair and I wanted to turn around. I wanted to turn just to get a better look at you but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't.
Fast forward to when I saw you outside on the field. I was outside with my friends who you didn't know were your cousins at the time. Your friend Domo (girl) who was also an associate of mine came over to me. "Hey", I said to her. "Wassup" was her response. I asked her what she was doing outside and she replied to me with "I manage the soccer team, so I had to go get the cones while his bum ass got the soccer balls. He taking too long." I looked back and saw you, and for the first time I smiled at you. You didn't see me smile at you, but I did. "He's cute, really cute." She had a confused look on her face. "Who Isaac?" she questioned. "Yeah."
I guess she told you about what I said because the next class period you interacted with me. I was drawing random scribbled into my notebook because I knew no one in that class. You came over and pushed my hand making me mess up on my crappy art work. I looked up at you not knowing who did it. I looked up and saw that playful little smirk plastered on your face. "Why would you do that?" I questioned in a playful but serious way. "Because I can" You responded. I don't know why but the moment you said it, I couldn't stop myself from smiling.
After that we started interacting with each other in class. If I wanted things to go somewhere I probably shouldn't have started calling you friend, but I did. Anyway, me not knowing what to do, I would mess with you in a bulling way. I'll never forget that time when you kept hitting me and I would hit you back. "Friend, you're such a bully." You said licking over your lips making it exceedingly hard to focus on your words. "I'm sorry friend." I said before stretching my arms out for you to give me a hug. You mugged me and I gave you a slight smile as I stepped closer. You opened your arms and we stepped closer to each other cautiously. Your arms slowly wrapped around my waist as I put mine around your strong shoulders. You held me and I closed my eyes as I let myself go. I inhaled your scent and let you hold me for what felt like a short period of time but I was happy none the less.
Jump forward to the beginning of out junior year in high school. I found out you have class with my boy best friend and I just enjoyed seeing you. Your fade was no longer there. Your hair had been cut and you brushed it so often there were now waves atop your head. They were even all around and just looked so good on you. Your glasses still pushed up your nose with that playful smirk on your lips. I would skip my class and go in the gym with your class after you all lost your teacher. Every time I was in there we would play fight with each other and I would watch you play basketball. Every time you would make it you would look over at me and lick your lips. Sometimes you would give a little smirk or even sometimes a smile. When you were done playing you would walk up the bleachers and sit a step lower. You would gently push my legs apart and sit down. You would lean back and place your arms gently on my thighs. You leaned back on my plush thighs and looked up at me smiling. I couldn't help but to smile back. You would turn back around and let me caress your waves as we had deep conversations. It was like no one was around. Like it was just us there in that moment with no worries while you confided in me.
Here's where things went wrong: Her. Isaac, you would take to my male best friend about me and he would ask me about you. One day he asked me if I liked you and I tried so hard to avoid thee question. Eventually I broke and told him I did. Do you know what he told me? He told me not to talk to you in a relationship type of way. He told me not to try and be with you because you were stuck on your ex. She was your first love wasn't she? It hurt to hear it, but I chose not to believe it. It really hit me when I saw for my own eyes. It was on a Wednesday when I looked at your snap and saw her face as you WCE...more than once. Then it really hurt when I saw her on your snap again. You were laying on her chest and you kissed her cheek. She kissed you back and at that moment, my heart broke. I wanted nothing to do with you, but I kept going back.
A few days ago I was having a little meltdown and you were worried about me. I was happy you were concerned but I was still hurt. I saw another girl on your snap and it was captioned "My friend". I texted you feeling as though I was being replaced. We talked about it for a while and you told me you loved me. I was shocked at what I was reading but I said it back. I'm sure you meant it in a friend way, but my heart was still warmed by it. Everything that was ever good between us was perfect and I was happy.
I broke down completely today. My mother said things that hurt me and things have been crumbling for a while, since the beginning of the summer. I went into my room and swallowed some pills. I layed down and went to sleep hoping to never wake up. Sadly I did. I sent to my streaks that I was ready to end it. I was going to swallow a lot of pills and take a forever nap. You sent me a snap telling me to talk to ad began to blow mu phone up. I was still ready to end it. I texted you and told you not to worry. I told you that it wasn't your problem but you just wouldn't let it go. I picked up your face-time audio call crying and you asked me what was wrong. I tried to keep myself together and explain why I was crying but I couldn't. We talked and you stopped me from taking another round of pills, more this time. You made me smile, made me laugh. You made life a little better, you talked me down from the edge. You kept me alive and made me promise you that I'd take my meds for depression and try to be happy for a week. You were the only one there when I needed someone the most, and I appreciate you for that. So here it goes:
Friend, Isaac, I'm happy to have you in my life and I probably would have killed myself without you. Sometimes I just feel so alone and unloved, like no one is there. I have to tell myself I love myself because no one else will. I'm glad you were there because I was falling apart. Thank you for being there. Thank you cor coming into my life.
Sincerely,
Me
This is just something that happened to my today and it really made me think. I usually keep my problems to myself, but something made me open up about it. I know its a hard subject and I could never speak it out loud to anyone but I can write about it. If you ever start to feel the same way, private message me. I'm here. I had someone there and you have me. Just know that.
