all these years- [shawmila]

four

|Camila|

Listen to 'consequences' by Camila Cabello, it fits this chapter so well. It's an emotional chapter for me to write but I hope you guys like it.
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Today's the day I move into my old house, and I wasn't prepared for this. Shawn had left to New York yesterday, and I have no one to talk to about this. Yeah I have Sabrina, but it's different. She's not shawn.

I sighed and opened the door from my old house and just stood there staring at the empty room.

It was lifeless, just like my mom. It was cold and dark.

You know that feeling you get when you want to cough and your throat itches but you hold it in because you're in a room filled with a lot of people and it's quiet?

Well that's exactly how I felt.

I felt all the memories hit me once I walked into the house. I started remembering the times my mom and I would build forts and binge watch scary movies all night.

I remembered the late night talks we would have. I remember her beautiful contagious smile and her laugh that makes you just want to smile.

I missed her.

I didn't realized how much I missed her until I stepped foot into this house and instantly remembered everything.

All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I just wanted to be with my strong, healthy, fully, and functioning mom.

I was yanked back into reality, I wiped the tears that were falling down my eyes and grabbed by bag and placed them on the floor and closed the door behind me.

I walked into the kitchen and noticed the dishes were dirty, probably from the last night my mom was here.

I shook my head, almost as if I could get rid of the haunting thoughts from my mind.

I grabbed my bag and walked upstairs to the guest room, which was my room. I placed the bags and walked out of my room and into my mothers room.

Her bed was neatly made and the smell of vanilla hit my nose, she loved that scent.

How I wished I could switch places with my mom. Seeing my mom suffer was distressing. I didn't know what hurt more, my mother diagnosed with cancer, or having to watch my mother die right in front of me?

I ran my stressed hand through my brown hair, an anxious movement to calm me down a bit.

Out of all that I've endured, my biggest regret is never saying how much I loved her. Thinking back made me realize how my time with her was precious and how I wanted so badly to go back and cherish it like I should've. How I wanted to revive her and nurse her back to health, but what I desired was impossible.

"I miss you, Mom." I say and walk towards her dresser and place the the tulips I was holding, and placed them in vase she had on her night stand.

Red Tulips, her favorite. I smile at the memory of when she always used to tell me that they symbolize undying love, so that every time I saw them I would see her.

Soon I found myself staring out the window, watching the old treehouse and swing set that has been in that backyard ever since I was 6. I couldn't help but to smile at the memory of the times shawn and I would meet each other late at night and camp inside our treehouse. We would mainly camp outside when we were sad, mad or grounded. Our parents would always get mad at us for sneaking out at night, but they eventually got the hang of it.

I didn't think I would miss shawn this much.

He's the only person who I have. Yeah I have his family too, but they're not as close with me like shawn. They don't know all my darkest secrets or anything.

It's not that I don't trust them, it's that I feel like if I talk to them about my issues they'll get annoyed with me. But with shawn, he's always interested in what I have to tell him.

I started to feel nauseous, so I sat down on my couch and gathered all my thoughts.

I was started to be myself again, but coming back here just changes my mood. But I had to face it sooner or later.

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This chapter was a bit short, but was emotional for me to write, since I've never experienced anything so tragic like this. Btw next chapter is gonna take place two years later, which is 2018 in the story. Anyways, I hoped you liked it!