Stephen and Sharpies ~ Watty Awards 2012

Part Two: Chapter Seven

    Sitting in my room after my night session with Dr. Cobb, I stare. In one hand I have the Altoids, in the other his letter. I don’t which to choose, not between whether I want a Altoid or if I want to read a letter, but should I choose Kyle or Alec.

    Alec the guy I wrote twenty-five letters to. I know so much about him, he’s my best friend. I can’t give him up, but I don’t even know if he likes me. Kyle, though, is sweet and cute and likes me. Which one do I choose: the one I love or the one who likes me?

    So I make a pro and cons list to figure out who I am going to choose.

                          Alec                                                      Kyle

Pros                            Cons                                                                  Pros                          Cons

Cute                         Might not like me                                            Likes me           Doesn’t understand me

Best friend                    Popular                                                    Cute                           Crazy

Knows me                       Sane                                                     Crazy like me            He isn’t Alec…

Understanding               Nothing else                                          My friend   

Funny                                                                                               Smile    

I love him           

Perfect in my eyes           

Laugh           

Eyes           

Personality           

Everything           

    Coming down to this I made a choice. It was between Alec and Altoids and no matter what it would always be Alec. Maybe if I tried it could be the mint treats and Kyle who is crazy like me. I might be able to like him and understand why he is afraid of girls. He calmed me down, didn’t he? Wasn’t is Kyle that I let hold my hand and I didn’t shy away. Wasn’t him who hugged me and told me I was okay?

    A month and then hopefully I will be out of here. I wont have to make a choice no longer, I’ll either have a best friend who is my boyfriend or I’ll have a best friend. Either way it will turn out decently well. I just need someone to fall into when I am breaking down. A month and then I am done, I never have to come back to this and all my trouble will disappear.  Twenty-five more days and then I will be done and never have to do this ever again.

    There’s a knock at my door and I look up to see Amber enter. She closes the door quickly. “Good, you’re dressed.”

    “Yeah, bedtime was twenty minutes ago.”

    “Well yeah I guess I am a bit late to our room. Oh big deal though. I had a reason and NO I’m not going to tell you about it. So don’t ask!” She plops down on her bed and doesn’t even wait for me to turn off the light she just starts crying. Amber faces me sitting criss-cross applesauce with her head dropped, crying. She is sort of shaking in a weird way, like what ever she is crying about was more important than the world ending.

    “Okay…” I whisper turning off the lamp. I close my eyes and listen through the night to Amber’s tears. I wait for her to whisper to me , but she never does. I get only a few hours of sleep before the sun rises and I am woken up to a knock on the door, breakfast.

Stephen,

    I’ve made a list of every Sharpie color that you gave me. I don’t know why , but I thought that you would like a list. Every time I send you a Sharpie you can mark it off the list. I really don’t know what to say to you I guess this is my way of dealing.

*Sand                    *Hazel                *Pink

*Navy Blue                *Ragged Red            *Sky Blue

*Brown                *Maize                *Green

*Purple                *Black                *Almond   

*Yellow                *Silver                *Orange   

*Strawberry                *Gray                    *Periwinkle

*Cherry                *Htun                    *Rosemary

*Passion                 *Lime                    *Red   

*Ruby

    So here you go. I can’t believe you love me. I really need to hear your voice. Why can’t you have phone back? I need to hear your actual voice not just your words. I have spent the last two weeks looking at your words I want to hear them, am I ever going to hear them again? Are you okay being there without anyone, no family, no friends? I’m sorry, I miss you though.

Alec

    Thanks for reminding me Alec. I know I have nobody. No friends or family. I have a piece of paper and Sharpies. Yeah I am in a great spot right now. I freak out when most guys come too close to me, example is Dr. Cobb. I swear he is going to rape me at my private sessions. Alone and freaked out, perfect way to make someone overcome their fear.

    I shake my head and quickly pull out my notebook and pen. I begin to write my letter to Alec.

Alec,

    You say you can't believe that I love you , but you might as well. You’re my best friend and the great thing is, is that even if you don’t love me I will always love you. Even when I stop loving you I will still love you because you’re my friend and I will love my friend.

I CANNOT live with you,

It would be life,

And life is over there

Behind the shelf

    It’s from a poem by Emily Dickinson. Something about these words just reminds me about you. The way that even though I can’t live with you I can’t live without you. The way the words flow hit me in the heart, I wanted you to know. I love you and I have no idea what you are feeling. I love you and that’s all I know.

Stephen