Bleeding Souls

Ch.10- A Monster

     Welcome back...this will be another very difficult chapter for me to talk about because it still hurts to this day. The pain is still real because I still deal with this on a daily basis. This may be hard to read but you must read till the end. This will definitely be a chapter with music if you are following rule 3. Those are the rules. Here we go.

     How would you describe a mother?? Someone who loves you unconditionally? Who accepts your flaws? A person who promotes your dreams, who protects you and takes care of you? If you use this definition, I was born without a mother.

     Remember the morning I was born in Chapter 1?? How I was "ungrateful" and "a pain"  to give birth to. I wish I could say that was the end of feeling like a monster, but it was just the beginning.

     The world decided to give me a constant reminder of how much of a beast I was. I used to think that I was safe at home, that I had escaped the bullies but I realized to little to late that I was living with one...My mother. Now allow me to explain.

     She was another short Hispanic, with a lot of attitude for sure. She was born and raised in the Dominican Republic, which was beautiful but harsh, much like she was. The beaches were beautiful but most of the country was in poverty. Because of this she came to America in search of a better life and better opportunities and for the most part she found it.  However, when she came over from the Dominican Republic, she brought one thing with her... her fathers cruelty. As it turns out her father verbally and physically abused. In fact one day he beat her so hard with a broom stick that her back was broken after.  I don't blame her for who she is, I blame her father. 

     I learned the extent of her harsh words early on, because for her I was never good enough. She never believed in me. No matter what I did for her I would just be worthless in her eyes. A lost cause, someone who will never be loved by anyone else, a beast. I remember her insults towards me like they happened yesterday. The insults forever burned into my mind, branded into my memory. She would say things like:

"You are so fat, Allen"

"No one is ever going to love you"

"Aren't you ashamed of who you are? You should be."

"You are not going anywhere in life."

"You are ugly."

"You will always be alone."

"No one will want to be your friend"

"You will die alone"

"You are an idiot, why can't you be more like your sister?"

No matter how hard I tried to please her, No matter how many good things I did at school or all the friends I made, she could only see me as a sad fat loser, who would never find someone to love him for who he was. I wish she could feel how I felt when she said all these things to me. She is the reason I have the voices in my head telling me that I will never be good enough... or that I will always be alone. My own mother told me that I didn't have a place or a future in this world, that my dreams were stupid. I remember one day she said to me

"Your sister is going places Allen"

"What about me?" I asked her.

"Honestly I don't know, all you do is eat and play video-games." she said to me.

      Although she never said it, I could tell by the way she looked at me that she was ashamed to have me as a son. She was embarrassed that she gave birth to this "thing." I was no son to her. Finally one day she pushed me over the edge. All the things she said to me built up over time, I climbed in the shower and broke down. The light and color slowly draining from my soul as it splintered and cracked. I grabbed my fathers razor blade, held it up to my wrist and started to cut horizontally. The pain shooting through me and the voices telling me

"You aren't good enough and you never will be."

"How will anyone love someone like you."

     After the first cut I was thinking of making a vertical cut up my arm so she wouldn't have to deal with her disappointment of a son  anymore and maybe then she would finally be happy... I am ashamed of who I am, and the worst part is she has no idea that what she says to me rips me apart every time. She is so numb to it all because, that is how her father treated her when she was growing up. Every time I look in the mirror, I hate what I see because of her... and the things she told me. I cry and she has no idea its because of her. The verbal bombardment continues, my confidence and hope continue to fall. It gets to the point where there is no hope left for me anymore. I have no place...  Despite an army of friends who tell me how much I mean to them I still feel... worthless, a screw up who can't ever get anything right a creature who was incapable of being loved... a monster.

This is the end of Ch. 10, See you in the next one...