Bleeding Souls

Ch. 35-Valentines Day

Hello again. Welcome back. I hope you have been enjoying my story so far, and if you are I also hope that you have learned something. I'm not doing this to be famous or anything like that. I just want to tell my story to anyone who is willing to listen and if it helps someone else in the process that is another victory for me. Anyways, let us begin the next chapter. Oh and if you follow the 3rd rule get the music because it will be one of those chapters...

     In this chapter we will be discussing one of my least favorite holidays of the year, so it will not be a particular time in my life but rather a culmination of all the miserable experiences I have had. Anyways, you might be wondering what holiday I despise and why I despise it. This holiday was February 14th, better known as Valentines Day. This was the one time of year that I never looked forward to no matter what, because life always found some way to make me feel horrible about myself on this holiday. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let me explain.

      Valentines Day was always a day of love and happiness for everyone else, but for me it was just another day of torment and agony. Everyone was always happy to see each other on this day and they always had someone to share it with...except for me of course. I would walk into school on days like this and everyone would keep their distance from me, like I had the plague. Truth be told I did have a plague and it was called loneliness. It was always during this time of year that no matter what school I went to they all treated me the same way on Valentines Day. They treated me like a monster... I can still her some of the comments that people would say behind my back...

They would say things like,

"He is all alone again, what a loser."

"Who would ever be his valentine."

"Not even his mother would be his valentine."

"He will never be loved or have a valentine."

The voices only fed off of this negativity and would whisper to me saying, things that only brought me down more. They whispered things like;

"No one loves you,"

"You will always be alone,"

"How could anyone love a beast like you?"

"You are a pathetic excuse for a human being,"

It wasn't just the couples that made me miserable during this holiday either. My school did this thing where could buy a candy gram and have it delivered to your friend or crush with a special message attached to it. This made me excited because I thought surely my friends would get me one, or I might have had a secret admirer somewhere in the school. So I waited... and waited........and waited. Everyone got their candy grams and I thought maybe they forgot mine. So I asked the teacher if there were anymore that she might not have given out. She turned to me and said "That's it. There are no more." My heart sank... Everyone else got one for their friends, and I thought my friends would get me one, but they didn't... I started to believe that they forgot about me, or didn't care about me all together. They never noticed the kid in the corner who was alone because they all had someone...

     I started to believe what the voices were telling me, and it didn't help that everyone kept there distance from me during this time of year. There was one instance I remember specifically because the pain of this memory has been seared into me. I was in the lunch line just waiting so I could get some food to eat, and there were these two girls that were standing in front of me having a conversation. I was just standing behind them minding my own business but one of them noticed me. She told her friend to turn around and when she did she screamed like I was going to eat her and ran away. This is when I was reminded of my place in the world. I was a monster in everyone's eyes. A hideous beast that would always be alone, and hated. No matter what I did or said, I was constantly reminded of how worthless I was. I have never felt more alone in my life... Everyone was together on Valentines Day...they had someone they could talk to, laugh with, and say that they had a Valentine...except me.

     Even my family had someone. My mother had my father, and my sister always got valentines from everyone at the school...I was the outcast, the odd one because no one wanted to be with me, or be my valentine. I was alone...I was miserable...I just wanted to die. The pain grew every year after that. Every time Valentine's day came around, it never changed for me. I was always reminded in some way that I was alone, that nobody cared, that they wouldn't miss me if I was gone, that nobody loved me... I just wanted to disappear off the face of the earth so that the pain would stop. I went into the kitchen when I was home alone, opened the drawer and grabbed the biggest knife I could find. I took it back into my room, held it up to my wrist and started to cut...pain shooting through me and blood coming from the wound. I thought to myself:

"This isn't enough. Your flesh is useless."

"You are useless,"

"No one cares about you, They will never love you."

"They would just replace you if you were gone." 

"They would never even notice."

I started to move the knife up my body until finally I was holding it against my throat. I felt the cold serrated steel kiss my skin. My heart was racing, my thoughts going on and on, feeling unloved. I started to move the knife across my throat ready to end my suffering and pain. But something stopped me... I pulled the knife away and collapsed into tears, screaming:

"WHY?! WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME!?"

"WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE EVERYONE HATE ME FOR WHO I AM."

"WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!"

"WHAT IS MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH! I AM USELESS, AND UNLOVED."

"I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED,"

This holiday never fails to remind me of how alone I really am...We all just want to feel loved in our lives...that is what makes us human. Maybe I am destined to be alone...to be the monster of this story. Who knows. 

This brings us to the end of Ch. 35. Until the next one.