"Eliza?"
His voice was smooth and almost a whisper. I could feel his hot breath right in my ear.
"Hm?"
I had my eyes closed and was laying down on my back, still in a state of bliss after our amazing sex we just had. I had lost count how many times it had been now. He was laying next to me on his stomach, propped up on his arms. His fingertips were brushing the edge of my jaw.
"Did you know your eyes change color?"
"What?" I opened them now to look at him. I was immediately met with a smile.
"They do. They're normally brown, but when we're having sex or even laying in bed cuddling together, they get hazel. Like this perfect combination of brown and green."
I reached my hand out and traced his bottom lip with my thumb. "You're the only boy I'd change my eye color for," I smiled.
His smile grew even wider as he shook his head slightly. "You are just...I'm just, in awe of you. All the time. Do you realize that? Are you feeling the same way?"
I traced my fingers up the side of his face, near his eyes. And I just looked at them. I felt like I could see into his soul.
"I might," I giggled. "No one could ever beat your eyes though, Foster," I grinned.
"Stop making eyes at me and get your clothes on, Jones," he rolled his eyes playfully. "We have to get going."
He was making me take a cooking class with him. I knew how to cook, but he said he wanted to learn more. I offered to teach him, but he said he thought it'd be fun to go to a class together. I didn't really like doing "couple-y" things, but at this point, I'd pretty much do anything with this boy.
We weren't a couple. We were starting to kind of act like one, but we had never had that conversation. The thought crossed my mind that maybe he just assumed we were. But I wanted to take it slow. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in a relationship just yet. I knew he was leaving to go on tour soon.
I know I had gotten really close to him really fast and given my virginity to him, but to me it still felt really quick. I had just met him a couple months ago. No matter how comfortable I was with him, I still had my anxiety and trust issues. I was afraid to commit to someone who could make the choice to walk away at any time. I knew how quickly people's feelings could change.
At the cooking class, we had to bake a cake. It was a big class, so luckily no one was paying attention to us and thus it made what Mark did less embarrassing than it would have been if it were a more small and intimate class.
He had the ability to read my mind, I swear. After the cake was done and all there was left to do was to decorate it, I told Mark he could take over while I went to use the restroom. When I came back, he was just finishing his icing.
He looked proud of himself as he added the final touch and then looked at me. I looked down at the cake to see what he had done, and when I saw it, my stomach dropped. I immediately looked around to see if anyone else was paying attention.
It said, "Girlfriend?" in icing.
He was asking me to be his girlfriend. Not wanting him to know it freaked me out and not wanting to embarrass him, I quickly smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. I didn't say another word to him about it until after the class was over and we were back in his car. There was awkward silence and tension, and he was the one who cracked first.
"So, I'm guessing that freaked you out back there?"
I glanced at him and then quickly looked out the window, trying to think of how I wanted to explain myself without sounding harsh or pushing him away. How to make him understand how I was feeling.
"Yes. It did. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of giving you - or anyone - the power to potentially break my heart." I paused and then added, "Especially you."
I looked back to him and saw him running his thumb along his jawline, looking straight ahead at the road. I couldn't tell how he took that.
"Do you think that's a one way street? Me being the only one who has that power?"
I hadn't thought about that. I wasn't ever the one who broke hearts. I was always the one who got their heart broken. I never had the power. I just looked straight ahead, blinking dumbly. I didn't know what to say. He continued.
"Because I'm not. You have that power too. You've had that power over me since you came to my house and took care of me at 4 in the morning." He looked over at me and said, "You have the power to crush me at any time."
I shook my head. "I don't like that. I don't want to be responsible for that kind of power."
Now he rubbed the tip of his thumb across his lower lip. Thinking. "Well," he sighed, "I'm afraid that's kind of out of your hands."
"What do you mean?"
He laughed a little. "With you, I've never had any power."
When we pulled up in front of my house, I was ready to say bye and run out of the car and deal with this all later. But what he said next made me freeze with my hand on the seatbelt.
"Have you ever been in love?"
"What? Yeah, of course I have. Are you saying you love me?"
He looked like he was going to say something but stopped himself with his mouth still open. And then he said, "I might be. Because I think that's what being in love is. Giving someone complete power to break your heart and having faith that they won't." He looked at me. "And you don't have faith that I wouldn't. Have you ever trusted someone enough to feel that?"
"No...I guess I haven't."
"Then you've never truly been in love."
"Have you?" I asked.
"I have."
"And what happened?"
He shrugged. "Sometimes it doesn't work out. But that's okay. Just because you're afraid doesn't mean you shouldn't do something. Being in love is the best feeling. It's what we all live for, whether we want to admit it or not. And if it doesn't work out, then you learn from it and you get stronger and you move on with good memories."
"Or bad memories."
He shook his head. "Not everyone is out to hurt you, Eliza."
"I don't think you're out to hurt me. I just...don't you think this is all getting really serious really fast?"
"Maybe. But that's just the way life happens sometimes."
"It feels like a rollercoaster ride," I laughed.
He laughed too and then said, "I have an idea. Don't let it freak you out. You can say no. But what if we did a little experiment? What if you stayed at my house for a week or two and we'll see how it goes? And then maybe start thinking about what direction we want to head?"
