After I got completely back to normal - back healed, blood pressure and anxiety under control - I decided to take Mark's advice. I didn't tell Ben anything Mark had said, but instead just started talking to him on a regular basis and hanging out every once in a while to see how I felt. I didn't lead him on and actually I had no idea if he even still had feelings for me or would be interested in trying things again. It never went in that direction.
And finally I realized with 100% certainty that the strong love and bond I had with him was more like a brother. We had both completely outgrown the romantic part of our relationship that was once there. It wasn't either of ours faults, it had kind of just slowly happened. Now I had no second thoughts about how I felt. I was right all along - I had never been IN love with him.
And I had never fallen out of love with Mark. I'd always been in love with him and I knew that I always would be. Everything we had been through together - sex, lies, shock, guilt, hospital visits, healing - made our bond stronger now than it had ever been. And he was right, all of that did outweigh the bad stuff. The bad stuff almost felt silly now. I could see that what we had was so much bigger than that small stuff.
There was a reason I had never had sex with anyone else after Mark. I didn't love - couldn't love - anyone else in that way. Even when I tried, I always knew in the back of my mind that I didn't really want to. The first person I had been with was someone I loved more than I can even explain. I had opened up to him right away. He opened up to me in return. He helped me deal with my family. He took me into his family. I flew to another country for him. We had got married. Fake, drunk, married, but still. We did it.
If I kept dating around and searching, sure, it might be possible to find someone else who had this strong connection with me. I might be capable of falling in love with someone else and trusting someone else enough to give myself to them completely. But it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't make anything Mark and I had been through any less powerful. And I didn't want to date around. I just wanted me and Mark back.
I hadn't seen him since the last time he came over and told me to give Ben another chance. We had texted a few times, but nothing more. So I texted him and asked him if he was busy and if I could come over to his place to visit. I didn't want to say anything via text for fear of possible rejection. I mean, I had no idea if he was seeing someone else by now or if he even still wanted me.
As we sat down on his couch he asked me what I was in town for.
"You. I have to talk to you."
He instantly sat up a little straighter. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head, "Nothing's wrong. I just, I took your advice about trying things again with Ben."
"Yeah? Good news?"
"Are you...seeing anyone?" I blurted.
His face scrunched in confusion. "No...why?"
"Because I'm still completely in love with you."
All emotion drained from his face and he stared at me blankly. "What?" He breathed.
"Being apart from you only made it stronger. Seeing if there was anything again with Ben only made it stronger. What you told me the last time we saw each other - about how you want me to be happy even if it isn't with you, and you encouraging me not to just write Ben off - that was beautiful. Part of me thought you weren't even being sincere and would take it back the next day. But you didn't. You let me go."
"So you don't...love Ben?" He asked slowly.
"No. I mean yes, I do love him a lot. As a person and as a friend. But I was never in love with him. And I never could be."
"But what about all of the bad stuff? The stuff that obliterated your trust in me?"
"Mark...there are so many things that you could throw in my face and hate me for. You could have lied so I would have never found out about things, you could have just told me whatever I wanted to hear...but you've always been honest with me. And that tells me you know you've made mistakes and you regret them. It shows me you love me enough to tell me the truth and then let me decide for myself. You respect me and you love me without reservation. This whole time, I've been trying to hold back the love I have for you, but it can't be held back. I don't want to even try anymore. I'm sorry I doubted it. I'm sorry for...everything bad that's happened."
He was watching me speak with what looked like an angry face, his jaw set. But then I noticed that tears were building up in his eyes. He had been trying to keep his guard up around me. But he had just let it completely down.
"I promise you...I will never, ever abuse your trust again. I cannot stand the thought of you ever being hurt by me. I'm so sorry for everything."
I smiled and let out a huge sigh of relief through tears, "I believe you. I trust you."
"Come here, right now," he demanded. I was already getting to my feet when he said it.
I went over to him as quickly as I could and straddled him. I caught his mouth in a desperate kiss as I started grinding my hips down onto his crotch. I put my hands under his shirt and he gripped my waist firmly, possibly leaving finger sized bruises.
"You're still as beautiful and as fucking...sexy as the night I first met you," he breathed.
"I would have never kissed you that night if I knew how much trouble you were," I teased. "But you pushed me."
"I pushed you?" He raised his eyebrows in amusement. "You shoved me down onto a chair, ripped both of our shirts off and practically attacked me."
He reached for the bottom of my shirt and yanked it up over my head with force. His hands immediately cupped my breasts and he bit his lip. I tugged on the hair at the back of his head to force him to look back up to me and I leaned over him to kiss him more. He moved me onto my back and hovered over me, both of us frantically reaching down and grabbing at material to get both of our pants off. We didn't even bother with his shirt.
He straightened one of my legs against his chest and slammed into me. He pressed my leg back as far as it could go as he pumped in and out of me. It might have been the shortest sex we've ever had, we both came really quickly. It was all of the want and need and pining and waiting built up that was finally being released. We both knew that this was it. We were finally on the same page and were both all in.
He collapsed on his side behind me and pulled me up against him. "That was very unexpected," he breathed as he tried to catch his breath.
"Yeah," I laughed, "and amazing."
We both laid there in peaceful silence for a couple of minutes before his voice broke it. "Liza?"
"Hmm?" I hummed. I had been on the verge of dozing off.
"You're not going to run anymore the second I make a mistake...are you?"
I turned back to look at him. "Can we just forget all of that? Please?"
I leaned in to peck him on the lips. When I pulled away, he had that smile on his face that I loved so much.
