I decided not to tell Ben about Mark. If the conversation had gone differently with Mark, then I might have. But what I took from that conversation was that even though we still had feelings for each other and were attracted to each other, nothing was going to happen between us again. We weren't ever getting back together. He had said he had nothing to offer to me and the trust between us was still damaged. He was still touring all over the world. I was working more than ever with my new responsibilities. Nothing had changed, really.
At first, I was adamant that I wouldn't talk to him again. It would cause nothing but trouble and it would prevent me from moving on from him completely. But then I started thinking about all of the time we spent together, all of the things we went through, all of the conversations we'd had. And it seemed dumb to me to feel like I couldn't talk to this person who I had gotten so close to. I didn't just get close with anybody. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to talk to him. So, I did.
I had no idea if he would be open to it, or if he would tell me to stop contacting him. I worried that maybe he would think I just wanted to start drama or play games. But I really didn't have any goal or intention other than to simply just talk to him. And to my surprise, he didn't ask any questions. He just started talking to me.
It was kind of like we just clicked all over again. We didn't talk about anything inappropriate. We didn't ever plan to meet up. We didn't talk about our past or "us." We just conversed. Every couple of days. It was just so easy to talk to him. I didn't have that with anyone else. It was nice, that's all.
A couple of months went by and then I had to go to LA for business. It was only for a couple of days, so Ben took off work and came with me. I texted Mark and told him I was in town. And he replied back that he was also in LA and he invited me out to a birthday dinner they were having for one of their friends who I also knew. We used to all hang out on tour together.
Ben was cool with it, but I didn't say anything to Mark about Ben being with me. I just figured it wouldn't be a big deal since it was a big group of people. When we got there, I went around the table saying hi to everyone and introducing Ben. I didn't say "boyfriend," I just called him by his name. We went to sit down at the end of the table by Mark. We were all browsing through our menus when Mark casually asked how Ben and I knew each other.
I looked up at Mark with huge eyes. He didn't remember Ben by his name. When I had told Mark about Ben months before, we had just started dating. We hadn't talked about him since. Ben looked over at me with a confused look on his face. I cleared my throat and looked back towards Mark.
"Um, he's my boyfriend."
Mark's head shot up and he actually dropped the silverware he had been moving and it clattered down onto a plate. He was clearly caught off guard and flustered. It was definitely awkward and Ben tried to come to the rescue. He looked at the girl that was sitting next to Mark.
"What about you two? Have you guys been together long?"
My head snapped over to the girl. I had barely even noticed her before. I certainly hadn't paid her enough attention to realize that she had her hand on Mark's leg. Mark quickly looked from the both of them back to me. He forced a smile and let out a nervous laugh. She spoke up.
"Not that long yet. It's still kind of new. A couple of months, maybe."
Before anyone could say anything else, I quickly shot out of my seat. "I have to go to the bathroom," I blurted way too loudly. And then I was speed walking around the restaurant searching for the bathroom.
As soon as I got into the bathroom, I grabbed my phone out of my purse and frantically started looking through Instagram, searching for tags until I found pictures of them together. There were quite a few. Going months back. Cute, couple-y pictures. My stomach dropped to the floor. I was shocked. I had no idea. It hadn't even crossed my mind.
We had been talking and gotten to a good place with each other, but we both had significant others that for some reason we never mentioned. I didn't know what that meant or what to think. But I got myself together and grudgingly walked back to the table, doing my best to act like nothing was wrong. But I really wanted to run out the front door. I didn't want to sit across from Mark and have to look at him and his new girlfriend through an entire meal.
"You alright?" Ben asked me as he pulled my chair out for me.
I looked at Mark but immediately averted my eyes. "Yeah, of course. I'm starving, though."
The second we paid our check, I was practically dragging Ben out the door to leave. He asked me again what was wrong and I just told him that it had been more awkward than I had expected to have dinner with Mark. He asked if it was because of Mark's girlfriend and I (probably unconvincingly) laughed that suggestion off.
I dropped Ben back off at our hotel and drove to the local hospital that I was consulting at. I had just parked when my phone rang and scared me to death. I was on edge and felt like I was shaking enough though I wasn't. I just stared at Mark's name on my screen. He never called. I was almost too nervous to answer it.
"Hello?"
"Hey."
"Hi." I had no idea what to say.
"So...uh, that was weird."
"Yeah. I had no idea you had a girlfriend."
"I had no idea you had a boyfriend. Is he the same one you had started seeing right before we last saw each other?"
"Yeah, it's...I never told him about that."
He didn't say anything for a moment. It was just dead air on the line. And then he asked, "Why did you start texting me again if you're with somebody?"
"I dunno," I shrugged in my car. "I just...missed talking to you." Before he could say anything, I turned it around on him. "What about you? Why did you invite me out for dinner with your girlfriend?"
"It wasn't just us. A lot of people you knew were going. And we've been getting along so great texting lately that I just thought...I don't know."
I knew he didn't do it to hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable. "Well," I sighed, "I'm sorry I never mentioned Ben coming with me. I guess it just didn't really seem relevant."
"It's fine. I had thought about mentioning Karen to you a couple of times before but you're right, it didn't really seem relevant to our conversations."
There was an awkward silence. "This is weird," I laughed. "Being...friends."
He laughed in agreement and then asked me how long I was going to be in town for. He asked if Ben and I would want to meet him and Karen for coffee and we planned a date and time. The day of, though, Ben woke up with a horrible migraine. He told me to go on without him. I really didn't want to go get coffee by myself with Mark and his girlfriend, but it ended up working out in my favor because when I got there, Mark was alone. He said that Karen had got called in to work. I told him Ben wasn't coming either.
He narrowed his eyes, looking at me skeptically. "Did you plan that on purpose, hoping you might get me alone?"
"No!" I immediately got defensive.
He laughed, "Chill. I'm just kidding. I was looking forward to talking with him more, though."
"Really?"
He didn't say anything at first, he just turned his head to look out the window. "Uhh...no, not really," he laughed. He looked back to me as a girl brought our coffee cups over. "I'd rather just hang with you."
"You ordered for me? Do you even remember what I like?"
"You like anything with lots of sugar and cream," he smiled.
He wasn't wrong. We talked and finished our coffees and then he walked me to my car. There was nothing really left for us to say except bye, but we both kind of just lingered there, not wanting to. I couldn't look away from his mouth. I wanted to kiss him so badly. So badly that I couldn't help myself. I stepped closer to him and titled my head up. He reached his hand out and cupped my face for half a second before quickly pulling it away.
"Eliza, you're in a relationship."
I looked down to the ground, defeated. "So are you," I countered quietly.
"I am. I'm sorry. I can't."
