"Mark?" I whispered in the dark room.
"Yes?" he answered, his voice heavy with sleep.
We were laying tangled up together in my bed. Him with only his boxers on, me with only my panties on. We didn't have sex and I never even touched him. He only wanted to take care of me. And he did to the point where my legs felt like noodles and I felt sedated. He had taken off his suit and got into bed to fall asleep with me. It felt so good to cuddle with him again, but of course my anxiety wouldn't shut up.
"You don't have to stay if you don't want to." For some reason I felt like he couldn't wait to leave. Even though he had almost been asleep.
"I do want to," he said simply.
"Okay," I said in relief.
Suddenly there was an uncomfortable shift in the room. You could feel the tension. It wasn't a peaceful silence, it was an awkward one. I wanted to say more but was holding back. He could tell, but he didn't know if he should push the issue or let it go for the time being. We were both being completely still, afraid to disturb the delicate quiet. Maybe we were both trying to trick the other into thinking we had fallen back asleep. Eventually, I turned onto my side facing away from him and scooted a little closer to the edge of the bed.
He was still for only a few seconds more before I felt him stir behind me. He re-positioned himself so he was laying on his side too, but facing my back. He hesitantly reached his hand out and just barely grazed the bare skin on my shoulder with his fingertips.
"Hey, where did you go?" He whispered.
I turned myself a little to try and look back at him. "What are you talking about? I'm still right here."
He chuckled softly. "No, I mean your mind." He put one of his fingers to my temple.
I didn't want to get into it all right this second. I hadn't ever wanted to have to get into it again, actually. Yesterday I was managing fine without him in my life anymore. Now I could feel myself clinging to him again, terrified of him leaving my house and terrified of the possibility of never seeing or talking to him again. I had done so good staying away from him. Now I had to start over again.
"I don't think this is the best time to have a serious talk," I managed.
He exhaled and I felt his warm breath on my skin. "Probably not. But maybe we should?"
To make sure I didn't get the wrong idea? To make sure we were on the same page? "I don't want to, Mark."
"Why?"
"Because you scare me," I quickly blurted out. "This scares me."
He hesitated for the briefest second and then turned so that he was laying on his back again and not touching me. I tried not to let any of it upset me, but there was no denying that he still had 100% of my heart. I never really felt whole without him.
"Scared because you don't know what it means? What happened tonight, I mean," he said after more tense silence.
I scoffed a little before I could stop myself. "Yeah, that's one of the reasons."
"I'm sorry, Liza. We probably shouldn't have ran back to your house and jumped right into getting physical after not even talking for so long." I waited, and he continued. "I just...don't have anything to promise or to offer you right now."
I sat up straight in bed. I was angry. Not entirely at him, but at this situation. At what I had let happen. "I get it. You were just trying to have some random fun. I was just trying to have a good night seeing you again. Without it turning into anything. But you and I...we can't do that. It's impossible."
He sat up too. "Maybe you're right. Or maybe this was just a weird one-night fluke. This is the first time we've seen each other since we broke up." He shrugged. "It's kinda hard not to think of each other in that way."
"I've been moving on, you know," a small laugh escaped as I said this and raised my hands in a helpless gesture. I couldn't believe we were here having this conversation right now. "I've been focusing on my career, getting back on my feet...I was pretty lost for a while." I motioned between the two of us. "This was pretty bad. It took a toll on me. I don't want to deal with it again."
He half nodded and looked down at the sheets that were covering his lower half. "It didn't have to be that way. It shouldn't have been that way."
I agreed. "Both of us just jumped to end our relationship without even really thinking about it, I feel like. Because we were both pissed about getting hurt."
He shook his head, "I didn't know how to handle it. It all happened so fast. I just lost it. I couldn't wrap my head around what you did...I was scared to death of what that meant for us. And I was scared to death at how mad I got. I almost hit you." He said the last part quietly. Then, "At the time, I thought it would be best to just...let you go. Let the whole thing go. I'm sorry for the way that it ended."
I nodded. I was sorry too. But I didn't want to talk about it any more. I was mentally exhausted. I just wanted to not think. I felt Mark start to get off of the bed and I looked over to him in confusion. He froze.
"I can go if you want - "
I cut him off. "Will you stay? Please? And just sleep next to me? I don't want to be alone." I have to ask him to stay. After not seeing him for so long, here he was. Now. Already at my house, in my bed. I couldn't let this chance go. I knew now that there was an even bigger chance of not seeing him again afterwards.
He only gave a small tight lipped smile in response and snuggled back under the covers. He made sure to leave a space between us. I knew he wanted to be there for me, but didn't want to make anything worse or more messy. I knew he wouldn't push anything. So, I was the one who scooter over to him.
I laid on my stomach and put my head on his shoulder, one of my hands on his bare chest. He reacted in his usual cool and calm manor, as if it wasn't a big deal at all. Like it was completely normal between us. He moved so his arm was around my shoulders, holding me against him and he put his other hand on top of mine. We both immediately relaxed and I knew sleep would come soon. This is how we used to always fall asleep.
Before either of us dozed off though, I told him, "Thank you for coming over and hanging out with me. And for saving me from all of those boring, rich, fancy people at the gallery," I laughed a little.
"I didn't do it just to be nice," he chuckled. "I did it because I wanted to see you again. I didn't expect to come home with you...but I'm glad it happened."
