The bad thing was, there was someone else. Well, sort of. I had just started seeing a guy a couple of weeks ago. Every date we had gone on was great. We had made out a few times and gotten pretty touchy-feely, but other than that, we were going slow. He never pushed anything. So far things were going really well with him. But it was still somewhat new and it was too early to put any label on it.
I did like him though. And even though it wasn't exactly cheating, I still felt really guilty about what had happened with Mark. I had kissed him and I hadn't stopped him from doing anything else. And I had also been the one to invite him over in the first place. I knew better. I knew it was a horrible idea and nothing but trouble, but I did it anyway. I couldn't deny that I still wanted Mark. I probably always would.
The next morning, Mark and I sat in silence at my kitchen table sipping on coffee and eating scrambled eggs and bacon that I had made. I was still a little bit in shock that he was even here at all. I wondered if I should tell Ben what happened. I wondered if I should tell Mark about Ben. I watched him as he stared out the window, spacing out. I wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if he was wanting to hang around for a bit or if he was anxious to leave.
He broke the silence by drawing in a deep breath. "So, I feel like I need to be honest with you. I lied last night."
I stopped chewing my bacon and looked at him, confused. "About what?"
"About not expecting to come home with you. That was...kind of my intention."
"So you're saying you only talked to me at the charity event to sleep with me? Did you know I was going to be there?"
"No, no, nothing like that," he shook his head. "I just mean that..I still think about you a lot. And then when I saw you...," he sighed, "I'm still insanely attracted to you." He lifted a shoulder and held his hands out, defeated. "I was definitely trying to make sure we'd end up in bed together."
I blinked in surprise. "Oh." I didn't know what else to say.
He held my gaze with his piercing eyes and I felt my heart start racing. Then he shifted his weight to scoot to the edge of his chair and lean over to me. I was regretting choosing the seat right next to him instead of the one across the table. His eyes finally left mine and looked down to my lips. I knew he wanted to kiss me but was holding back, waiting to see what I would do. I didn't move. I knew I shouldn't kiss him. Again. Last night was bad enough.
"Eliza, I..." he stopped himself.
I closed my eyes. I didn't want him to say anything else. I didn't want to look at his face. I didn't want to feel guilty or torn. But I felt his warm breath on my face and then his lips covering mine. It was a slow and emotional kiss. When it was over, we lingered for a moment with our lips together until I pulled away.
I reached my fingers up to touch my lips. They felt big and swollen. He leaned back to sit in his chair again. He smiled at me, but I didn't return it. Then it disappeared from his face as he realized something was wrong.
"You should probably get home," I said in a way that hopefully didn't sound like I was kicking him out, even though I was.
He just sat still, trying to read my face for a second and then he nodded slightly. He stood up and gathered his dirty plates along with mine. He walked them over to the sink and then left the kitchen to go gather his stuff. When he came back out into the living room, he looked at the front door but stopped before actually walking over to it.
"I feel like I should say something, but I don't know what," he looked at me.
"I'm seeing someone," I blurted out.
Silence. I couldn't read the look on his face. Probably because I had never seen it before. He finally raised his eyebrows in surprised and blinked a couple of times.
"Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't...I shouldn't have forced my welcome last night."
I shook my head, "You didn't. It was just as much my fault. I didn't say anything. I didn't...want to stop you."
"Well...what do you want?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head, like that would make this all go away. "I don't know. To not ruin something good for myself?" I put my hands to my head. "I probably already did though."
"Are you going to tell him?" He asked quietly.
"I don't know, Mark. If I don't, then that's like starting off a new relationship on a lie. And if I do, then - "
"Why did you do it?" He cut me off.
My head shot back up to look at him. I was blunt about it. "I can't control myself around you."
He nodded, awkwardly put his hands in his pockets and just lingered there for a second. He took a step towards the door, but then stepped back. "So what, we can't hang out again?"
"I didn't say that." I should have said no. I knew that wasn't a good idea. But I couldn't just say I'd never see him again.
"Alright. Well, I guess text me the next time you're in LA. We can...I don't know, get coffee. Or something."
"Okay," I nodded. "Sounds good." He gave me a quick, tight lipped smile and headed towards the door. I added, "And text me if you're ever around here again."
He put his hand on the doorknob, but didn't turn it. He turned back around towards me. He shook his head and said, "No, I'm not that guy."
"What guy?"
"I don't know, the guy hanging around his ex when she has a new boyfriend. We both know that's not a good idea. I don't think I'd be able to control myself either." He laughed, "It's so stupid and cliche but I swear, no one has ever had the affect on me that you do."
"Maybe it's just because of everything we've been through together. Losing my virginity to you, you helping me through my family issues, your family taking me in, thinking we had gotten married..."
He shook his head. "No. I mean, yes and no. All of that stuff has created an incredible bond between us but, it's just...you." He gestured towards me.
I didn't know what to say. I just stared at him. I was starting to get angry now. Angry that we had broken up in the first place. Angry that he just suddenly came back into my life, intending to sleep with me and now telling me all of this. I crossed my arms over my chest and averted my eyes from his because I felt tears starting to sting them.
I blinked them away and then looked back at him. "Why?" I lifted my shoulders in question.
"Why what?"
"Why me? Why are you saying all of this to me right now? Why do you even want anything to do with me after I just made it clear that I'm a selfish bitch and I've been unfaithful to my boyfriend? Or whatever he is. I mean, isn't that what started all of this in the first place? You thinking I had been unfaithful to you when I was trying to find a way to support myself?"
He shrugged helplessly. "What do you want me to say, Eliza?"
A million thoughts run through my head. I want him to argue with me. I want him to fight with me about how I'm wrong, about how we should have never broken up to begin with. I want him to just leave my house without another word so this whole situation doesn't get any worse. I want him to completely break down and confess his love for me and ask to have me back. I want my phone to ring to interrupt us and give me an excuse to not even go down this road.
"That you still love me and miss me," I replied while looking him straight in the eyes.
He looked broken and helpless. "C'mon. You know we can't be saying stuff like that."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head at his answer, because he had been saying "stuff like that" to me all morning. I knew he was trying to respect me and Ben, but I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to care so that way, I wouldn't have to care either.
He turned back to the door and actually opened it this time. Before he could get through it though, I went over to him. When he turned around to see what I was doing, I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him into me, kissing him. It was just a quick peck, but I told him that I still loved him and missed him and then I watched him leave.
