A couple of days later, I ended up telling Ben that I had been unfaithful and had been seeing Mark. I didn't tell him how many times or give him any details. I wanted to spare him as much as I could. I really didn't want to hurt him. But understandably, he was pissed. He went MIA for a few days and wouldn't answer my texts or calls.
I gave him space, but I also didn't give up. I still kept texting him every so often, hoping he was finally ready to respond. We had to talk about the situation and decide what we were going to do. We didn't have any closure or any plans to work on things. We were just lingering in limbo.
Instead of responding via text, he finally called me. He started with, "I don't want to fight."
"I don't want to fight, either. Do you think you could just come over and we could talk?"
He sighed, "I don't think so. I don't think I can do this anymore at all."
My stomach dropped. "Ben...please. We can work through this."
"You wouldn't be happy though. Not really."
"What do you mean?"
"Eliza...this isn't going anywhere. We aren't moving forward."
I knew it. This always happens. Every. Time. "Because of the sex thing?"
"It's obvious that you don't want to take that step with me. And believe me, that's not just all I want. The waiting didn't bother me. The problem is that you aren't happy with me. You aren't comfortable with me. You don't connect with me. But you do with Mark. He's the one that you have all of that with."
I was shaking my head, "No. I don't want to be with Mark. Mark is no good for me. There is no future with him. I was just being selfish and greedy. I'm so sorry."
"Look, all that we're doing is hurting each other. I want to move forward with you, but you're holding back from me because of someone else. This just...needs to happen, okay? I'm sorry."
I was upset, but I wasn't surprised. I would have never stayed with someone who had cheated on me if it were the other way around. I wasn't going to run after him. He deserved someone who really appreciated him and wouldn't do what I did. He was an amazing guy. He treated me great. I loved him. But, he was right. I wasn't happy with him. We just didn't have that connection. I had kept waiting to feel it, but I never did. And he didn't deserve to be strung along any longer.
But I didn't want to be with Mark either. I had the chemistry and connection with him, the comfort. But there was so much bad there. Our past breakup, finding out I had just started off as a bet to him, the fact that he was okay cheating on his girlfriend and was okay with me cheating on mine. If he was okay with then, then he would be okay with doing it again to another girl in the future. I didn't want to be with someone like that.
I didn't tell Mark that Ben and I had broken up. I told him that my job was transferring me to New York, which wasn't true. But if he thought I was on the opposite end of the country, then there was no false hope of us ever getting back together. At least I hoped. It wasn't that I wanted him out of my life. I just knew I had to do something to put distance between us because I couldn't control myself. If I was around him, I would fall back into him.
This brilliant plan backfired two months later when I ran into him at yet another charity gala for the hospital. I hadn't spoken to him at all in those two months. He had tried to text me still after I "moved" to New York, but I ignored him. When he didn't get the hint that way, I started to answer back rudely and say things that I knew would push him away. And he finally gave up. The thought had crossed my mind that I might run into him at one of the fund raisers since I had before, but I was hoping that maybe he wouldn't want to go to anymore because of what happened with me. And after attending a couple and seeing no sign of him, I felt confident that my theory was right.
The second I saw him walk in, I ran in the other direction. I hid from him any way I could, behind people, in the bathroom, outside. I kept my eyes on him all night to make sure I was at the farthest end of the room from him at any given time. And because I was so nervous about him seeing me, I started downing drinks. Champagne, cocktails, whatever was nearby. And then he saw me.
The smile he had dropped from his face and he gave me a look of disappointment, hurt and anger. Confusion never crossed his face. He knew. He knew I wasn't just in town for this gala. He could tell I had lied to him. All it took was that one look between us for him to know that I had never moved away at all.
He looked back to the person he was talking to, gave a smile to him and then shot me another look. A moment later, he started to walk in my direction. I quickly walked away and up to the first person I recognized to strike up a conversation, to deter Mark from coming over to me. We continued this cat and mouse game for the remainder of the night, me consuming more drinks the closer he got.
By the time the night was coming to an end and people were starting to slowly file out, I was pretty drunk. I had definitely over-done it. And I needed to get out of there before my boss and I were the only ones left. If she even came near me, it would be super obvious how sloppy I had let myself get.
Somehow I had lost sight of Mark and I wasn't even sure when that had happened. But my priority now was just to get home. As I walked outside, I pulled up the Uber app on my phone to find a ride. There weren't any drivers available for at least a half an hour. I checked Lyft and saw that their prices were surging to a crazy amount. I had started Googling taxi companies when I felt a presence come up to me.
"Didn't think I'd see you here," Mark said flatly.
I looked up to him, only blinking in response. I didn't know what to say. But I was no longer nervous to be confronted by him. He was smoking a cigarette and I nodded towards it.
"Can I...?" I reached out for it.
He didn't let me have it. "You don't smoke," he furrowed his eyebrows.
I sighed and shrugged and then accidentally dropped my phone on the concrete pavement. Face down. I gasped.
"Ah. You're drunk," Mark noted as he bent down to pick my phone up. He turned it over and handed it back to me and the screen was shattered.
"Fuck!" I practically yelled.
Mark quickly looked around and then took a step towards me. "Shhh, don't yell."
"My fucking phone is broken! Now how do I get home!? I have to buy a new phone now. All of my shit is on this phone!"
"Is there anyone inside that could give you a ride? Your boss, co-workers?"
"I don't know," I whined. I was slurring my words and speaking way too loudly and as I went to march off inside to try to find a ride, I stumbled and then swayed.
Mark stepped in front of me and put a hand on my side. "Whoa, I don't think anyone in there needs to see you like this." Before I could respond, his phone dinged and he pulled it out of his pocket. "My Uber's here actually...just ride with me."
"To my house?"
"No, to my friend's. I'm crashing at his house while I'm here. He's not in town."
"I wanna go home," I said stubbornly.
He let out a small laugh, "Well I don't know what to tell you, other than I can call a taxi for you real quick and you can wait out here. I have to go though."
I opened my mouth to protest, but quickly shut it. He was right, no one should see me this drunk. I reluctantly nodded and got into the car with him when it pulled up. After a couple of minutes I rolled my window down.
"What are you doing? It's cold," Mark looked over. "You're not gonna get sick, are you?"
"I don't know. Maybe." I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat as I felt the cool air on my face.
"Jesus," he mumbled under his breath.
