Mark left for tour and I took off my wedding ring. Or engagement ring. Or whatever the hell it was. I didn't like the fact that our relationship had gotten so confusing and messy. When I first starting dating Mark, it was easy and fun and he made me feel secure. But lately, it was nothing but questions. Were we still considered "married" even though it wasn't legal? Were we engaged? Were we going to have another - actual - wedding? Or were we not even going to get married at all? We had went from him not wanting to be married from him getting all excited about it to me being the one not wanting to get married.
Mark invited me to come on tour with him. But I had already taken way too much time off of work when I went to surprise him overseas. Even if I could have, I didn't really want to take more time off. I loved being a nurse. I loved the non-stop rush. I loved being on my feet and staying busy on 12 hour shifts. Lately it seemed like all of my energy and focus had been on my relationship with Mark. I was slipping at work because of that. I kept forgetting things and almost mixing up charts and medications. I took a lot of pride in being great at my job. Being a nurse was who I was. I hadn't busted my ass through school and graduated early for nothing.
I wasn't even sure if we had broken up or not. We didn't really talk about it much before he left. He knew I wasn't wearing my ring anymore. But he still called me every day. He still texted me. We still FaceTimed. But it wasn't the same. I didn't even feel like I was dating him anymore. He was gone. I was just in a relationship with a phone.
It was easy to distance myself from a phone. Unlike how it would have been if he had physically been there. It's not that I wanted to break things off with him. If things would have been different and if he would have been home and if things between us had been easy like they were in the beginning, then I would have still been making effort. But this wasn't what I wanted and I wasn't happy. So I didn't care.
I didn't want to date anyone else. I didn't want to fuck anyone else. Mark was still the only exception to that. I guess I was depressed, even if I didn't know it then. I was kind of just going through the motions of working and then coming home and doing what needed to be done around the house and then going to sleep. I didn't make an effort to go out anywhere or hangout with anyone or keep in touch with my family.
Then the bills starting coming in the mail and that certainly did not help my state of mind. One thing that I had never told Mark was that I was in serious debt. I knew I would have to tell him eventually when - if - we got married, but I kept putting it off. And I had been relieved when we unofficially called the wedding off because that meant I never had to tell him.
Since my parents didn't help me at all with school, I paid for it all myself. Or tried to. But you can't really pay for college with part time minimum wage jobs. I ended up maxing out a crap ton of credit cards to try to cover it. But I hadn't even really made a dent in what I owed. I had no idea what to do or how to fix it, so I eventually just started ignoring the bills. I had no money to pay them. I had been sending in small amounts when I could, but the interest rates kept going up and it was pointless. But now the debt collectors had found my new house. And now they were threatening to garnish my wages.
I was fucked. If they garnished my wages, I couldn't pay for my house. I wouldn't have enough money to live on. There was no way anyone would give me another credit card. I couldn't ask my parents for help. And I couldn't ask Mark for help either with everything going on between us. We were on very thin ice. The way I saw it was that if I did ask him for help, he would flip out that I didn't tell him about it sooner. And he would pay it off, but then any hopes of a wedding were going to be off. He wouldn't trust me financially. Plus, it was the principal of it. Asking someone for money was bad enough. But THIS much money was unthinkable. Even if he was a "rock star." I didn't want it to seem like I was taking advantage of his financial status.
I had gotten myself into this mess, and I was going to get myself out. I started thinking of a second job to get. But really I didn't have time for a second job. Any free time I had was spent at home taking care of things and sleeping. And no part time job would pay as good as what I made at the hospital. I started thinking of things I could sell. But I didn't own anything that was worth much. And then I got two terrible ideas.
The first one was that I could get a second job. A second job from home. One that did pay as well, if not better, than the hospital. I could be a cam girl online. Those girls got paid a ridiculous amount of money to undress and flirt with guys online. I wouldn't actually be meeting anyone in person. Guys would be willing to pay to see me undress. I wasn't conceited, but I knew that I was good looking and had a good body. Why not use that to my advantage?
The second idea was that I did have things I could sell. I worked at a hospital. I had access to pills that I could sell. Any pill. And I knew it was good. And I knew people paid good money for those. Probably enough to make the risk worth it.
But stealing and selling pills was way riskier than doing the cam girl stuff. So I decided I would try that first and then if I still wasn't making enough, I would sell the pills as a last resort. Only if I couldn't think of another solution. And if anything even remotely scary happened where I thought I might get caught, I would stop immediately. I didn't want to fuck up my job or do unethical things, but I also didn't want to be in debt and have my wages garnished and lose my house either. I saw no other choice.
So without telling Mark - or anyone - I started stripping and talking to guys online. I did my best to keep my face out of it with camera angles and shading. And of course I didn't use my real name or location or anything about myself. It was completely secure and anonymous. I also found out that I could sell my used panties and lingerie for good money.
In the first couple of months, I did pay off a decent chunk of my debt with all of the extra money that was coming in. But I was right - the interest was just too high and I needed to be making more frequent and larger payments in order to catch up. So I started swiping a pill here and there from the hospital pharmacy and from the med carts until I had some stashes saved up.
And then I started selling those and I got away with it for a while. But not for long enough.
