We're Just Friends (Frank Iero)

17.

"Oh my God get out of the WAY!"

I looked over at Poppy and smiled. She was sat cross-legged on my bed, wearing floral pajamas and a baggy grey jumper that had once belonged to me until she had basically stolen it from me. Her hands were clutching my Xbox controller and her eyes were focused on Grand Theft Auto.

"You know you could actually do the missions and play the game properly," I suggested, as I watched her virtually speeding down the pavements and running people over with her car. She was manically giggling and it was incredibly cute. I climbed onto the bed and sat behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and my legs falling either side of her. She paused the game and threw the controller down, before leaning back so her body rested against mine. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Sometimes I find it weird," she admitted. "The thought of you and I."

"So do I," I replied. "I pictured it for so long, but now it scares me."

I felt like we were both definitely talking about sex and just didn't know how to approach the topic. The only thing Poppy and I had never really discussed was sex. I didn't like telling her about my sexual prowess with other girls, and she definitely never told me about her sex life. She was modest and shy and never really got involved with other people romantically.

"I haven't...you know, been with anyone else," she admitted. My eyes widened and an awkward silence fell into the atmosphere for a few moments, before she picked up the Xbox controller and began to play again. I had never really thought of her as a virgin- I knew she had barely dated Gerard but she had had other boyfriends, and I figured she had hooked up with that Ryan dude who I had the misfortune of meeting over Christmas, seeing as he was in her bedroom and all. Judging by how she had picked up the Xbox controller again and said nothing else on the subject, I figured she was feeling awkward.

"We don't have to," I shrugged. "Until you're ready to."

"The thing is," she sighed, pausing the game and putting the controller back down. "I never felt like I wanted to lose it to anybody in the past, and I always wanted it to be this special moment and all that cliché crap. But I kinda always figured that the guy I would be doing it with was also under that mindset." 

She looked at me awkwardly, and I wondered what she was trying to say, as she wasn't making a great deal of sense.

"Frankie, you've dated a LOT of girls," she continued. "I've been your friend for a decade, I heard your stories, and I know you never explicitly told me that you slept with them, but word does get around. Not only that, but I could see into your window from my place."

A small and awkward laugh came out of her mouth after she said this.

"I guess I just know that it won't be as special for you as it would be for me."

She reached for the controller again and I quickly grabbed it and threw it onto the floor, so that she could no longer drag out the conversation we were having by taking random Xbox breaks.

"I can tell you with honesty, that I have slept with my fair share of girls," I admitted. "But it wasn't special, and they never even meant anything. I was never in a relationship with anybody for long enough for it to become special. I was never in love with any of those girls."

"You told me that you were in love with Amelia," she responded bluntly. My face scrunched up at the sound of her name. Amelia was my girlfriend when I was 13 years old. We hung out all of the time for the entire six months that we dated, and I lost my virginity to her when I was 14. Yeah, pretty young I know, but I was a stupid kid and I let my hormones take over when I shouldn't have. For the six months that we dated, I barely saw Poppy. The only time Poppy and I had ever really argued is when she told me that I always dropped her as a friend when somebody better came along. I told Poppy that I was in love with Amelia, so that she would stop pushing me and arguing with me about it. I remember clearly being 14 years old and resisting the urge to tell Poppy to shut the fuck up about Amelia because I was truly in love with Poppy, and that dating Amelia had actually been a healthy distraction from all of the pining I had been doing over Poppy for three solid years. After that argument, I went over to Amelia's house and broke up with her, telling her that I liked somebody else and that I was sorry. She accused me of using her and taking her virginity without caring about her, and she called me a hell of a lot of bad names. The next day, I told Poppy that Amelia had dumped me to be with somebody else, so that she wouldn't clock on to the fact that I broke up with her the day after Poppy and I had fallen out about her. 

"I wasn't in love with her," I responded.

"You said differently at the time," Poppy replied. "Frankie it's okay, you don't have to lie to me and dumb down all of your past relationships just because you and I are involved- I won't be upset. But I'm speaking the truth!"

"I'm not lying to you!" I shouted. "I wasn't in love with her!"

"Sure, okay," she shrugged. "If you can't be honest with me, how do you expect me to sleep with you?"

She got up and walked out. Since she was now living at my place in order to be able to stay in New Jersey, it was kinda awkward for us to have an argument whilst living under the same roof. I sat and pondered how to deal with the situation when all of a sudden I had an idea. I reached under my bed and pulled out my old notebook, in which I had detailed to myself every last detail of my feelings for Poppy over the past decade, and my lack of feelings for Amelia, Grace, and every other girl I had dated in that time period. I spent a good ten minutes flicking through it and deciding whether or not it was a good idea to give it to Poppy, as it had some pretty embarrassing notes in there about my feelings for her. After thinking long and hard enough, I headed over to the spare bedroom and walked in to see Poppy sat drawing in her sketchbook. I threw my notebook onto the bed.

"Read that," I said. "Then you might fully understand just how much you mean to me, just how little everybody else meant to me and just how special you really are to me."