Walang Hanggan

How Would You Feel (Ed Sheeran)

Bea

Three words.

Three words have this effect on me.Three words left me speechless (and motionless) just like that. Damn! I am indeed so whipped.

I just keep on staring at Jhoana's message. I cannot form any coherent thought in my mind aside from her message, her telling me she misses me. Jho misses me. SHE MISSES ME. Not Marci, not Ged or anyone else. Me.

Her missing me is a good thing right? That means I am still part of her right? That my presence still matters. Jhoana misses me and I cant help but feel giddy.

Again, I looked at her message trying to make sure that I am fooling myself, that I am not in some sort of hallucination. That she actually texted that and I did not just fantasized about it.

From: Jho Maraguinot

I miss you.

30 minutes ago

Oh my Gosh! I forgot to compose my reply! Shit! Baka isipin ni Jho na nakatulugan ko siya. Or worse, what if she thought I just didn't care how she feels.

Agad kong dinial yung number ni Jhoana, not minding what time it is as long as I can let her know that I care. When she did not answer the first time, so I called her again. Letting her know how I felt about her missing me is important to me, to both of us I hope.

"Hello?" A sleepy voice answered on the third ring of my second call.

"JHO!" Thank God she answered.

"Bea? Napatawag ka?"

"Ahh.. Kasi..Anoo..."

I suddenly don't know what to say. Why did I call again?

"Did I wake you up?"

"Doesn't matter. Bakit ka napatawag Beatriz?"

Oh yes! I called out of panic. I thought she would feel bad if I would not reply to her telling me she misses me, so I called out of panic. But I cannot tell her that, can I?

"Uy Beh! Anuna?"

BEA! GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF! TALK!

"Jho.. Kasi... Ano.."

Where are those words when you need them? Napakapit sko sa batok ko and sat on my bed. Now, what to do Bea?

"Ano nga?" She sounds annoyed.

"Ano.. Yung.. Ahhh..."

"Ano nga? Pag wala kang sabihing matino, ibaba ko 'to."

She is annoyed...

And her annoyance is making me feel more panicked.

"Ano kasi Jhoana. Busykababukas?"

There. I said it. Makakahinga na sana ako ng maluwag but then biglang lumukas young boses ni Jho from the other line.

"AYUSIN MO PINAGSASABI MO BEATRIZ! MALILINTIKAN KA TALAGA SA AKIN!"

What have I done wrong this time?

"Jho? Bakit ka galit?"

"Nakakainis ka kasi! Nakatulog na ako kakahintay sa reply mo, and just when I was about to go dreamland tumawag ka. Tumawag ka nga pero wala naming sense pinagsasabi mo. Di kita magets. Pinaglihi ka ba ni Tita sa rapper?! Ba't ang bilis mong magsalita di ko tuloy maintindihan?! Kung nagmamadali ka, kung busy ka, di ka na lang sana tumawag. Di naman kita pinilit ah. Kung wala kang sasabihing matino sana hinayaan mo nalang akong makatulog ng mahimbing kesa yung tatawag ka tapos wala naman palang sense sasabihin mo."

"Chill ka lang Jho."

A smug smile is painted on my face as I said that. Jhoana is just so cute whenever she nags. Add that to the fact that she fell asleep waiting for my reply. I feel like I won the lottery without even buying a ticket. I am so kilig.

"Paano nga ako magchi-chill eh nakakaasar ka?! Ikaw lumagay sa---."

"Jhoana Louisse, busy ka ba bukas?"

"---Posisyon ko, di ka kaya maaasar? Masarap na sana yung tulog ko, and you know kung gaano kaimportante ang tulog para sa akin. Tapos gigising kasi wala lang? Anong kind of reasoning naman yun Beatriz?"

"I love you."

And just like that, Jho's line became quiet. She stopped talking but I can still hear her heavy breathing, maybe for trying to calm her nerves down. While here I am, with a heart trying to get out of my ribs and a mind that's out of service. I know I am pushing my luck but I don't know any other way to make her stop talking. It was the best way. What is, slipped my mind.

I sighed.

Funny, what three words can do.

"So as I was saying, will you be busy tomorrow? Magkita sana tayo? I can ask permission from Tita and even Jaja if you want. Pero kung busy ka bukas, you could take up my offer at any of your free time."

Still, just her breathing from her line. I'm lucky she hasn't ended the call yet.

"There's this newly-opened coffee shop that Maki recommended. Peaceful ambiance and it has enough privacy for us to go out without the public actually knowing. I even searched the net for reviews and it is more than impressive. A customer even said that it was not just the coffee, but the experience."

I am rambling, I know. But then Jhoana's silence is making me panic, even more than her nagging ever did. It has been so long since the last time I said the magic words and back then everything is not this complicated. After the Thailand trip, nagkakausap naman kami. We even have our moments sometimes, we did some sweet things, uttered some sweet words but never those. We steer out of that way. But now, I just did. What a way to fuck up.

"Y-you love me?"

Ako naman yung hindi nakapagsalita. Making her feel my love through big gestures is one thing, telling her with words is another. I haven't really proclaimed my undying feelings for her after all the complications. But then, I don't really want to lie to her about this. I've always wanted us to be honest to each other.

So I guess, I just have to admit it right? I just have to tell her how messed up I was when she was gone, how hard it was to stay away when all I wanted was to be within her reach, how my heart breaks when I think about our situation. Maybe, I should just wear my heart on my sleeves one more time, for her. Always, for her.

I let out another deep breath, trying to gather all my courage.

"I love you Jho. I loved you then. I love you now. Even when you don't think I do, I still did. I don't think I've ever stopped. Don't think I ever will."

"Bei..."

"Look Jho. I did not say it because I want you to say it back. It was just a slip of the tongue. And if it bothers you so much we could pretend that this did not really happen."

After that I ended the call. And Jhoana did not try to call me back.