Hide & Seek | PJM | (On HIATUS)

Chapter 10

*Trigger warning*

"I'm disappointed.." I sigh as I say to myself while walking through my apartment door and locking it. I take my shoes off and walk through the corridor while still talking to myself out loud.

"So. Fucking. Disappointed.. Why is everyone so dishonest with me?"
I brush my hand through my hair out of frustration.
"I was so honest. I told her everything.. No one knew about it. And all she did was lie. She lied while looking into my eyes, can you believe that?" I threw my hands in the air to make my frustration noticeable to... No one?

I walk into my room and a little wooden box catches my eye. The box that always stayed there on the chest of drawers below the TV that's hung up on the wall, but I never had the courage to open it. I know what's in there.. I know it way too well. Maybe today is the time to talk after a long while.
I take the damn box in my hands and sit on my bed. I hesitate to open it for a while but the temptation is killing me. It should still look the same even after 3 years of no use. It doesn't change.

I slowly open it. And there it lies, a little golden cross. I take it. It's so small compared to my hand.
"I used to know you once." I say to the cross. I look mental. But I really, really don't care. I put the box down on the bed near me and start to examine the cross that I despise and feel some sort of affection at the same time.

"What's your problem?!" I ask almost yelling looking up as I speak. I don't lower my eyes. They are glued to the upper wall. Maybe he'll hear me better if I look up to him.

"You," I point a finger to the direction I'm looking, "You did all this.. I never asked for it. Never. I thought you loved everyone. Why him? He was so loyal to you. He went to church every Sunday never missing a day.."

I drop my head and use my hands to hold it resting my elbows on my thighs. I run my fingers deep in my hair. Frustration is inevitable. I lower my head even more and continue speaking.

"I'm so angry. I was such a good boy. I taught my brother to love you. 'God is good'. 'God is good' is what I repeated him. 'He will hear your prayers. Don't abandon him'. What a fucking bullshit. I lied to him and to myself."

I silenced my voice and softly whispered "You abandoned me."
Making my voice audible again I managed to speak steadily.
"You were the one to abandon us all. You don't even know what you did to me. You took him from me. I bet you haven't thought about the consequences. Like, hell, I fucking prayed to you every day for three years in that mental house.. Where were you? Never here always somewhere else.. I lost hope."

I sniffed quietly and sighed.
"You remember when I was different?" I paused a little "I do.. I cared about everyone. Everyone was my priority I never cared about myself as long as everyone was happy. It was a time when I'd rather get hurt than to hurt others. I would always take the blame. I was happy. I felt happy. That's right. Remember when I bawled my eyes out for five days non stop after Reign, my dog, died. But you took the most important thing from me. Me being able to feel."
I looked up again and clicked my fingers remembering the story.

"Ah, one time, third year being in that nut-house, we were taken outside like animals to graze. I sat on the bench just to calm myself and to be alone, clear my thoughts. And a pigeon landed near me. He looked dumb but still felt more than I did at the time. Back then I didn't even know that I became desensitized to..everything. Then I saw a cat stalking the same pigeon. He jumped on that poor bird in a matter of seconds. I watched the bird struggling. When it finally stopped I felt nothing. I just smiled and thought 'I am the bird'. Funny isn't it.. "
I chuckled to myself. Somehow the bird represented my feelings and the death of it. Ironic.

I change my sitting position into reclined one while leaning back on my arms looking straight ahead.
"But don't worry, I'm doing better than ever. You know what you made out of all of this? You made a new me. New Jimin. Huge thanks to you of course." I smiled widely.

I took a deep breath and loudly, with a hint of an attitude, I spoke again.
"You have made me into a good actor, perfect psychopath and a lifeless killer."
I pause before asking curiously a retorical question.
"Why should I apoligize for the monster I've become? You never apologized for making me this way."
I took the time to think when suddenly I abruptly stood up and yelled surprising myself
"ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?!"
I haven't even realized when the tears started streaming down my face but I continued.
"THIS CROSS!" I yelled holding up that tiny golden cross, "This cross.. I'm not keeping it for you. I'm keeping it for him." I said steadily with low voice while looking down and squeezing it in my hand and wiping my tears with the other.

It's been said that pain tends to heal as time passes, but personally, I don't want time to heal my wounds. Pain is motivation. Even Mister God knows it.

"You were never there for me. Why you should be now?" I say under my breath. I was born to end up alone.

"I know that you will never except me to your royal party of saints. I don't need it. I don't need your pity too. At least my brother's having a blast with all the girls up there." I sigh loudly.

"As of for me.. I will be fine. And all I'm gonna say is,-" I take a big deep breath of cold air, open my arms to my sides and say loudly, "-MAY I BE IN HEAVENAN HOUR BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS I'M DEAD. AMEN!"