Meredith's Thoughts Volume 2

I know.

I can't help the way I feel about some things, a lot of things. And I'm sorry for always bringing it up and I know that I get annoying, it's just like I can't stop. Kinda like in Mean Girls when Cady says she can't stop talking about Regina and she knew she needed to stop but just, couldn't? Yeah, that's how I feel. Sometimes I feel like Cady a lot actually... but irrelevant at the moment. Somebody looked at me dead in the eye and told me the cold hard truth, and I'll be okay. I know people get bored with me, and I beat myself up over it. It's like I always seem to have to make everything lead back to it. When I try to talk about it all I get is an "okay" or no response at all. Like, I just spilled my guts to you and all you do is shrug or all you do is say okay just because you feel the responsibility to text me back. Like you know what, whatever okay? Why should I care about your feelings when you don't care about mine. I get it, you're bored. You think it's stupid. You moved on a lot quicker than I did. Well maybe it's because my story is longer than yours. I dealt with more.
I know I'm so so so attached and I hate myself for it. It all comes way back to me having zero self confidence. Haven't people seen how hard I have pushed myself to become less shy? Yet people still need to laugh when my face turns red, they still need to point out my flaws. But they can go fuck themselves.
And I get it okay? That they're out of the picture,
Not an option,
No chance,
Stupid thoughts,
Stupid feeling,
Stupid misunderstandings,
Stupid I get attached,
They have a chance with almost anyone,
Why would they ever "pick" me,
They never even give me a second thought,
Not even a first,
I'm just another girl they're messing with,
And it breaks me. It fucking breaks me. It totally wears me out, but I can't just cut them out of my life. Cause I'm attached, yet they're barely in my life. And it kills me because I'm so hung up on them, and yet it just makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for the people I like. Which, I know I know,
"Meredith you're good enough"
"Meredith if they don't think you're good enough then they aren't good enough"
"Well they don't deserve you anyways"
Like yeah, whatever. That's how I'm supposed to feel and what you're supposed to say. Just stop lying to me would you?
And when I just see them there seeming all perfect because my mind has taught me to deceive them that way, my happiness crumbles. I don't know why I let him stick around. But I think we all know. They seem like such a different person in real life, it's almost scary. And when I see them at basketball games and they laugh or smile and I think, dang. But I have to remind myself that they'll never be mine. Why would they. Why would someone so fucking perfect ever pay attention to someone so not. This scenario is so lame, not even Taylor Swift can write a song that would match what I'm feeling because it's just, that, pathetic and unimportant to the world.
Still, people laugh at me and act like it's the funniest thing in the world when I talk about it. Because they think it's hilarious I actually got attached. They think it's no big deal and that I'm just emotional. Let's put this in simpler terms, how the fuck do you expect me to not get attached when a hot sophomore guy who you once had a crush on starts sending you naked mirror pictures and complimenting you and messing with your whole head as you mindlessly agree and type and snap your own pictures. And how do you expect me to not get upset when he suddenly gets a girlfriend, continues to do that stuff to you, doesn't acknowledge your existence, uses you and brushes you off like it's no big deal. Because to a fucking innocent 13 year old, it's a big fucking deal.
So fine. You know what? I'll stop. I'll stop saying anything. I won't say a single fucking word about them or anything that has happened and I'll let it all get bottled up inside me while my heart is still completely shattered and I'm left hopeless and left with no happiness. I'll keep it all to myself and let it turn to tears at night but when people ask me what's wrong and why my eyes look all red a swollen, I'll say I'm just tired. Because I'm not allowed to be upset over this. Because "Meredith, he doesn't care." It breaks me. It kills me. It tears me apart. It tortures me. It's taken away from me like I'm a joke. He doesn't fucking care, he never did, he never will. So stop reminding me, because I know.