Meredith's Thoughts Volume 2

I dont get it

I don't get why everything has to be so difficult because of my parents. Like, I always have to tell me friends "I'll ask her later she's in a bad mood right now" or "I have to know like every detail before I can even ask" or just how I'll finally ask my mom about something and she says that she'll get back to me but she never does but if I don't ask her again she might never answer and if I do ask her again she might get annoyed and just say no or she'll get annoyed and say she's still thinking and then we're back at square one where I have to debate asking her again except now it's for the third time. And then i have to go to my dad about how I can't get an answer out of mom or something and usually that helps but today when I asked my mom about seeing Michael tomorrow she said she'd get back to me and tell me after she gets back home after having dinner with people, like ok, whatever I have to wait anyways so let's see what happens. She comes home and I'm too afraid to ask her again because I don't want to annoy her and then she just goes to bed. Great. So after she does that I say to my dad "i can never get an answer out on anyone in this house" and then I have to ask him about it and everything becomes stupidly complicated and I don't understand why me asking if I can hang out with my boyfriend is such a difficult process like I just don't understand why my parents have to make everything so stressful and complicated and like I try so hard to just make it simple but I can't ever get an answer and I just start freaking out and idk is anxiety the right word? Idek. And then I just get upset but obviously I can't get upset in front of anyone because they'll ask me what's wrong and that leads them to being annoyed and giving me an annoyed "yes" that makes me feel guilty even though I'm already upset, or an annoyed "no" followed by a lecture about how i need to be more grateful and how I do so much stuff or how I don't need to see him or do anything with anyone and Ughgkgkgk it just sucks and I can't ever win. So now I'm laying in bed wanting to cry but we all know i physically can't cry anymore.