When the door shuts behind Nora a part of me yearns to run after her, yell and scream and profess my undying love for her. But another part of me is just too exhausted. Too sad, too full of regret and confusion.
I'd thought that I would be more okay with dying by now. I thought I'd be a changed person, a better person. I thought that the process of dying would change me but it hasn't. I'm still pre cancer me.
I thought Nora would help me change, I thought that she had. But I was wrong. I'm still so afraid. Afraid to live life, be adventurous and wild and forget about the future.
I want to go back to her, I want to be the person Nora knows I can be. I want to rush after her and stop my parent’s plans to return to America. But I can't. I can't seem to move from my place on the couch. I just can't do it.
***
Mom and Dad find me sitting on the couch when they get home. There must be something in my expression that hints are my total lack of okayness because Mom rushes over.
"Riley! Riley, baby what's wrong?" She says her voice panicked.
I don't say anything, I just sit.
"Riles? Buddy?" Dad says coming over slowly.
"What's wrong sweeties? Riley?" Mom looks me over very carefully, like so much as a wrong eye movement might send me over the edge.
"Trixie, what's wrong with him?" Dad says.
"I... I don't know. He just looks stunned." Mom says. "Baby what's wrong? Talk to me Riley."
"I don't want to die." I say weakly.
Mom inhales sharply and pulls me to her. "Oh sweetie."
"Buddy." Dad says softly.
"I don't want to die." I say again.
Mom holds me more tightly and kisses my head. Over her shoulder I see Dad has turned away his shoulders tense.
"I haven't even lived. It's not fair. It's not fair." I say, like a child.
"Shh, baby. It's okay." Mom says.
"I'm not going to get all the things I wanted. No College. No wife. No kids. No growing old. I never even got to be young." I say pulling away.
"Yes you did baby. Yes you did." She says.
Dad turns back towards us and clears his throat a little bit. "You got a life Riley. A short one but you've had one and you've had such a large impact on so many people."
"Who?" I say. "You? Mom? All I'm doing is leaving you two as the parents of a dead kid. I'm leaving you in pain. That's not an impact that's an injury."
Mom shakes her head fiercely. "No, Riley. We love you and we are so glad to be your parents."
I sigh and sob escapes me. Loud and fast. "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this."
Dad comes over and sits down on the other side of me. He hugs me quickly and gives me one of his Dad pats. "What brought this on?"
"Nora." I say.
"Nora?" Dad asks sounding surprised.
"She came over." I say.
"I thought you two were done?" Mom says.
"Me too." I say.
"What happened?" Dad asks.
"I really don't want to talk about it." I say.
YOU ARE READING
Nora
Fiksi Remaja"It was an infatuation with an unattainable girl. You were in love with the idea of her. Not her."-Riley Lawrence, expert in love and how to survive high school. Riley Lawrence is a survivor. His friend Nora (and the love of his short life) is a fi...
