Human (Toothless x Hiccup/httyd)

Chapter 14

Hey guys, it's been a while. How's it going?

Toothless's POV

Light trickled into my small inn room from the setting sun, filling the room with a dim light along with the sound of my own sobbing. I had started out on my knees, weeping into my hands, but now I was curled up on the floor quietly crying, if you could even call it that. At some point the tears just stopped and left me whimpering on the floor. I was still crying, crying harder than I ever have before but no tears came from my eyes. My chest felt like it was being crushed and words couldn't describe the sadness that was overtaking my heart but the tears refused to return to my eyes. With how dehydrated I had let myself become and the amount I had already cried the past few months, I had no more tears to shed. My body just couldn't handle it anymore, but that didn't mean any of the sadness went away. If anything, at least crying was a way to get some of it out, but now, all it can do is just build up, and up, and up, until it inevitably will all come exploding out at once and I honestly don't know what will happen at that point.

I'm slightly shaky as I stand up from my place on the floor but I'm able to make it to the one table in my small inn room. With no energy left in me, I slump down in a chair, lean my head back and close my eyes. What am I even doing? What is the point of all of this? What's the point of me being here if Hiccup and I can't even spend 5 minutes in a room with each other? I don't really think there is a point.

It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that sometimes I can't even stand my own skin. I want to rip all of it off. My skin, my heart, anything that keeps me alive. Anything that keeps me sad. Everything keeps me sad so I want everything gone until I am empty. Well, more than I already am. For a while I had that feeling of udder pain that you feel in the deepest part of your soul that you want to go away more than anything else but it refuses to do that. Now, I'm in a state somehow worse than that.

Sometimes you really do get what you want. I wanted for the pain to go away, and it did. But the pain wasn't replaced by happiness, or anything really. The pain just went away and so did everything else until there was nothing to fill me up. Nothing to really make me want to stay here or go anywhere.

I'm tired. Tired of being human. Tired of Astrid being the scum of the earth. Tired of Hiccup being in love with the scum of the earth and not even knowing it. Tired of myself for not being able to do anything. So tired of everything.

I open my eyes and let myself slump on the table. This makes a single tear that was being held back by my eyelids slide down the side of my face and drip onto the wooden table. I watch it soak in and turn the one spot on the table a darker shade of brown. Out of the corner of my eye I see the knife Hiccup gave me when I first moved in this room. The first night I really let let myself go. I reach over and grab it to bring it closer. I turn the knife over in my hand a few times before bringing the tip of the blade to my finger.

I press the blade into my skin until I drew blood and watch the red liquid as it slowly creeps down my finger, then palm. It was interesting seeing how freely it flowed. I wish I could be that blood. It just went were it wanted to, not giving a shit what it got on or what it stained. It always knows where it's going and what to do. It has a clear purpose. If it's in a living thing it knows to keep it alive. It knows to follow gravity and that's all it does. It never has to question what it wants because there is nothing it wants. It's an it. I want to be an it.

I should just go away. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. I wouldn't have to see Hiccup's smiling face as he goes about his life with his lying bitch of a girlfriend. I close my eyes. It's okay. Hiccup doesn't need me around. I don't want to be around. It works out perfectly.

Wait.

Hiccup's lying bitch of a girlfriend.

What the fuck am I doing?