some days
i think
i can do it
i can finally be happy
happy
with my body
my thoughts
the blood
running through my veins.
i feel bubbly
i feel loved
i feel answered.
but then
a wave
comes crashing down
breaking me
i get headache
causing my body to break
my thoughts to cry
my blood to freeze
and turn to
the cold
depressing person
that no one wants to have around.
i am so unhappy.
with my body
my thoughts
my blood
running through my veins.
i need someone to save me.
i need someone to teach me
teach me how to feel happy again.
and so i start to give myself away.
rip my heart out of my chest
giving it to those
who i think will push
the right button
with the words H A P P Y
on it.
then they stare at me
with those helpless eyes
burning into my soul
because they do not know.
they do not know
which button to push
when there are so many
that say H A P P Y
and will push another
button
that says S A D.
and i start to sob
my body
twirling and finding no rest
my thoughts
twisting and losen themselves
my blood
turning and falling down.
i sob
until there are
dried stains all over
the world
at least it feels like that.
right then.
when nothing is left.
no body
no thoughts
no blood
no tears
i start to see reality.
it is so hyperreal.
it is so surreal.
i am so happy
it is me
i can push the button.
but i need to do it every day.
again
and again.
i can be happy.
i can teach it myself.
i can do it.
it is an everyday fight.
