Conquer the Wasteland

PSYCH!!! HAHAHAHAHA

The first thing I heard as we neared the group of ragged looking men was a very loud... very redneck... "Hayuk!"

"What was that?" I whispered to Flop-tard. No response. "Flop tar-" I began but was rudely interrupted.

His glare didn't faze me one bit as he ground out, "First, that is their way of laughing, expressing anger or hunger...or any other emotion." His arm shot out, stopping me dead in my tracks with a muffled "Oomph" since his other hand had found its way to my face, covering my mouth. That was a dangerous move...one bite and he can never move his hand again. "Secondly, the name's Liam." He held my gaze for several long seconds. "Not Flop-tard." He released his hold on me. "Just Liam."

"Well, nice to meet you Liam." I gathered up all my strength and jumped so I could reach his face to slap it. "I'm Mateo." His face became even more confused.

"You mean Mateo Aldr-" Then he stopped. What was he going to say! I have to know! But that was not to be, for we both whirled around as Liam was interrupted by a loud "HAYUK!"

"Look who done showed up!" A skinny, pimple-faced man who looked to be twenty or twenty-five shuffled up to us. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or question his appearance. The first thing to catch my eye about this man was the fact that his mouth had only one tooth. One. His hair was blonde, but so greasy and matted it looked brown. "It that young'n that done stolen our fork! It be that darn tater!" He exclaimed, coming to the intelligent conclusion that Liam was, in fact, the culprit. "And lookie here boys! He done brought us some sugar!" He pointed very obviously at me. "I woulda thought tater here woulda caught a less purty fish, but I'll be darned! He done got a southern beauty!"

"Aw shucks boys." I replied, giving my most flirtatious smile, even throwing a wink in his direction. Liam stared at me as if I was crazy. Another hillbilly marched onto the road, this one more of a chubster, with black hair. "She AIN'T been hit with the ugly stick!" He smiled very creepily at me, his three teeth standing out with the unhealthy shade of brown. "Unlike Fork-thief over here, who done fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!"

That statement couldn't have been more false, for Liam was God's gift to women. He truly was beautiful, with a jaw sharp enough to slice you just by looking at it and silky blond-brown hair that somehow crested perfectly without product. Not that I'd noticed, or anything. File under: Things I Should Never Say But Will Probably Accidentally Admit After I'm Sleep-Deprived and I've Downed a Few Pixie Sticks.

"We have come to return what has been stolen from you." I said, reaching over and gripping Liam's bicep tightly. He groaned and reached into his pocket with his free hand, pulling out the fork and handing it to the nearest redneck. He seemed very disappointed in parting with his precious silverware.
"There. Happy?" He growled at me.

"None to happy now that we done seen that purty suga on yer arm there. We want 'er," the hillbilly slurred.

"Yeah...no" Liam responded, wrapping an arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. His warm, solid, strong-

Focus Mateo.

"She's not for sale."

"Well, den give 'er to us fer free den!" He exclaimed, getting even more excited.

I looked up at Liam. "They don't understand you. You need to speak in their dialect." I tilted my chin up. "It's very complex, so you better let me handle it." Turning back to the hillbilly, I squawked "Ex-ca-HUSE meh, SYUUUUR, but I AIN'T NO LIVESTOCK!" I prepared to beat the tar out of this redneck with my trusty Iron beauty. But Liam had other, less violent, methods.