Conquer the Wasteland

STOP RUNNING YOU TARD

I had fallen asleep faster than I thought. That had never happened before...I concluded that it was the exhaustion from my fabulous photoshoot with Mr. Smash-face. He just had an eye for art! Me, on the other hand....well let's just say I am still trying to figure out my special gift or talent. It obviously wasn't exercise, that much was a given. I mean, I had started panting within five minutes. I kept my pace at a slow but determined walk, carrying my backpack on my shoulders. I still had the pictures in my hand, looking at them with an even level of pride and also disgust; I stuck them in the pocket of my cargo pants.

This morning I woke up the the delightfully ripe stench of death and decay, how lovely. The zombie...well he wasn't faring off that well. Two crows picked at him, I shooed them off but it was only a matter of time before they came back with a whole slew of starving animals. In this post-apocalyptic world, no one was doing good.

Unfortunately, I had to leave the poor undead soul to fend for himself. '

"Bye Mr. Smashface! Don't be a stranger now!" I waved at his crushed head happily, glad I had a friend. Nothing brings people closer than an attempted murder.

Now, after two hours...give or take a few minutes, I hadn't even made a dent in the miles I had to trek.

"UGH." I groaned with unconcealed misery. I would kill for a car right now, or even a simple bike. Stupid apocalypse. My combat boots thumped unceremoniously on the asphalt, the contents in my pockets pricking my thigh.

I marched on.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CRUNCH

"OW! SON OF A--"

WHACK

"COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT YOU NOODLE!"

THUNK

"DARNIT I MISSED! STUPID BRICK!"

*DISBELIEVING GASP*

"THAT WAS MY MOTHER'S YOU TARD!"

I crashed through the alleyway, making a sharp left turn in between two crumbling concrete buildings. The man in front of me had just stolen my mother's bracelet right off of my wrist! That's what I get for venturing into a town.

"AH HAAA I CAUGHT YOU NOW. I'M AS AGILE AS A SLOTH YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!!"

I knew that I couldn't lie and say that I was quicker than a cheetah or famous olympic athlete, I mean my mother taught me not to lie... And I was so peeved that my hilarious commentary seemed more threatening than stupid at the time.

"STOP RUNNING YOU TARD!" I wailed.

I was also so angry that my clumsiness enhanced ten-fold. I turned in the direction I THOUGHT my thief ran but instead collided with a solid wall. My chest hurt from the impact and I head-butt the wall with a resounding "THUD" Then, I very gracefully flopped backwards onto the ground.

"WHAT THE FLIP!?" My fingers gently caressed the bump that was already forming on my forehead. I whimpered as I stumbled to my feet, almost falling a second time but catching myself at the last possible second. I didn't want to stop but my body refused to budge from its leaning position on the wall.

Thud

I turned my head to the right, looking down the dirty alleyway.

Thud thud thud

My confusion grew. I didn't see anything! What was that noise!?

Then it hit me........literally