The Adventures Of An Aromantic Asshole (In A Shockingly Cliché World)

Chapter 6 | I think I was Batfished

Vampire Cliché Part 1

I awoke in an unfamiliar bed, blinking in agony from the harsh sunlight. A beam of death, aimed at my face, was shining through a window and I shied away from it, snuggling back into the comfy duvet.

Relaxing my eyes I sighed. That was a good rest. Raising my head slightly I then took a peek at the other person lying in the bed next to me. It was some guy. Some dude. Dud-io.

Nope, I don't remember his name.

Events of the past night came flushing back into my mind: I was at the Bloodmoon and I made a deal with the devil (in this case the not-so-devilish-gang leader), and after that, I proceeded to inhale several Bloody Mary shots and ended up chatting my way into this guy's impressively skinny pants.

And I still don't remember his name.

I sat up, brushing my hair away from my face while trying to ignore how my brain was trying to escape through my skull one painful thud at a time-- bloody hell, Bloody Mary.

The floor felt slightly unreliable but I still managed to go around the room and pick up my scattered clothes, and quietly slip them on. Jesus fuck, what time was it even? Was it at least weekend?

Oh yeah, and where the fuck was I. I just went with the flow and ended up in this guys apartment. I took a second to look around properly: the room was actually really flippin' fancy, like, high ceiling, expensive furniture, clean floorboards n'shit. Add the snow peacefully falling on the other side of the window and it was almost like I had just had a one night stand with the prince of Narnia.

Hol' on.

HOL' ON.

I John Cena slammed my face against the window.

SNOW.

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I."

Everything was snow outside. How. It was like a bazillion degrees when I left the bar.

Spinning around I grabbed the nearest object and flung it at the still sleeping dude. The lamp hit him bullseye in the face and he shot up with a surprised yell.

"YO," I yelled back, "Did we go through a magic closet at some point last night?"

He stopped yelling and started stuttering, his eyes still drowsy. Then he started groaning and held his head were a lamp-shaped dent would probably appear in the future.

"Is there a lion out there? A man-goat with a trippy flute?" I flailed my arms towards the snowy landscape, "Answer me like a normal human, man!"

"What- what do you mean- WHAT?" Dude looked at me, seemingly trying to collect himself, "Are you okay? I mean- I mean did something happen yesterday that you didn't like? Why are you yelling?"

"I am YeLLinG because there wasn't white shit before and now there's white shit!" I rebutted. He looked at where I was pointing. Then something in his eyes shifted like he realized something, and he was about to answer. However, the door slamming open interrupted him.

The sound echoed out in the spacious room and it felt like the temperature dropped. In the doorway was a very tall woman, whose aura screamed 'authority'.

I gasped, "The Ice Queen."

She whipped her head around to look at me, the pins holding her white hair up jingling at the movement.

"Are you the one causing all of that horrible noise?" She demanded and her voice was as cold and stern as her appearance. I felt her eyes scan over me.