The Adventures Of An Aromantic Asshole (In A Shockingly Cliché World)

Chapter 7 | Non Vampire = Erectile Dysfunction?

Vampire Cliché Part 2

/Record scratch/ /Freeze frame/

See that girl being dragged down the hall of, what basically looks like the haunted house in Disneyland, by a goth-ass-hottopic-looking motherfucker wearing a cape?

Yeah, that's me.

"Dude fucking let go of me!" I yelled out, thrashing in vampire king lord sir Adrian 5000's grip. To this, he simply hushed me down like you would with some kind of animal.

Which of course made me even madder.

"Everything will be fine," he raised his voice over the sound of me barking, "You will complain no more when you see the beautiful gown I have picked out for the occasion." 

"Okay, listen, I'm certain you would look lovely, but I have to get back home, alright!" I paused and tried to bite his hand, "I mean, I don't even know what day it is! My family at home are gonna be fucking mental."

"No, no, sweet Crevette..."

Snort.

"I am your family now. We all are."

Sigh.

Letting myself be dragged for a minute, avoiding the worst splinters - sidenote, girls, if yo man drags you make sure to smack him back to our century - I was in full 'escape mode'. Plans were flying around in my head, the least violent one so far included poking all these 'vampire' fuckers with pencils until they let me go.

Bitey-boi finally stopped up and pulled me to my feet.

"My sweet," he said, gesturing to an open door. It smelled like soap and steam.

I bowed, "My umami."

Unwillingly I entered the bathroom and heard the door lock behind me. If these people weren't so damn strong I would be outta here in a minute. However, second problem: when I got out, how the fuck was I gonna escape this bloody winter wonderland?

It was difficult to see through the steam in the unnecessarily big room with pretty much every surface made of white marble - however, I could see the figure of the same fucking bathtub from earlier. They really had a thing for ceremonial shit. The tub was the only thing in dark marble, decorated with golden swirls and expensive stones. The water within had a strange silvery sheen to it.

In other words, a hard no.

There were not many hopes of escaping this windowless room, I would have to wait for an opportunity. So that I did. I sat up against the cold dark stone and waited for someone to open the door again.

For a brief second, I entertained the thought of Hamster Girl walking in.

~¤~¤~¤~

It was not Hamster Girl.

Oh, no-ho-ho.

It was much worse.

Behold! The one-night stand.

He opened the door very timidly, peeking his head in.

"Hello Sean," I said, standing up in a very slow and hopefully looming manner.

"It's Simon," he coughed. 

"That's what I said."

He pushed the door open, revealing the white bundle of cloth he held clutched in his arms. Without looking at me directly, he said, "Heh, well, this is awkward. Uhh, so I'm here to get you ready... for the... wedding."