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Nose Goes

HELLO, MAH FELLOW HOOMANS... I'M BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH ANOTHER CRAPPY POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE UPDATE! YAAAAAAAA

Voldemort had a problem. Every night he lay awake thinking about it, crying himself to sleep and sniffling from his nonexistent nose. He wailed at the ceiling.

"But why?? Why was I cursed with this-- this thing?! The place where a nose is supposed to go looks like children's drawings of noses!! It's just... 2 dots on my face... " he trailed off and began wailing again.

Pinocchio, who was his roomate, rolled his eyes and grumbled. "Dammit, Morty! I need sleep!"

Yes, ladies and gentleman. Pinocchio calls Voldemort "Morty."

Voldemort roared, "SILENCIO!"

Pinocchio snickered. "That shit doesn't work on me, remember? I'm immune to those with no nose. Anyways, I can teach you how to grow a nose."

"Really?"

"Yes. Just lie."

"Okay." Voldemort took a deep breath and thought of a lie. Then he said, "Pinocchio is smart."

Pinocchio scowled. "I said a lie, dumbo!"

Dumbo appeared out of nowhere. I HAVE BEEN SUMMONE-

"Not you, dumbass!"

Dumbo's evil twin, Dumbass, entered the room. "HEHEHEHE I AM HERE"

Voldemort waved his wand at them and cast a spell.

Pinocchio nodded. "Now, where were we?"

"You told me to lie, so I said that you're smart."

"I see. But you obviously seem to find me smart, since you still have no nose."

There was silence from Voldemort's side of the room. "Stop rubbing it in!"

Pinocchio just gave a heavy sigh. "Look, Voldemort- having no nose isn't so bad." Surprisingly, Pinocchio's nose didn't grow when he said that. There was a scoff from the other side of the room. Pinocchio continued. "I mean, one time I tried to flirt with a girl on Tinder."

"And?"

"I told her that I would take away all the chairs in the world so she'd have to sit on my face."

Silence filled the room after Pinocchio's embarrassing confession. Voldemort began choking with laughter. "Y-you did what?? You idiot! That's got to be the worst 'pick-up line' I've ever heard." He guffawed and doubled over with laughter.

"Do you know what she replied?" Without waiting for an answer, Pinocchio said in a sullen voice, "She asked me if my nose was that much bigger than my... than my Richard. Except she didn't say Richard."

Voldemort had stopped laughing now. "You okay, man?"

"I didn't know if I should tell the truth and say yes, or lie and say no, and then take a picture of my humongous nose later as proof." Tears rolled down Pinocchio's cheeks.

"Peniscchio."

"What?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M A GENIUS!!!!"

"Excuse me?"

"Even better yet... Penosechio." Voldemort was laughing again. "Get it?? Because I combined nose and peni- "

"Shut up. And you know what happened another time?"

"I should say no to spare you from reliving that moment, but I'll say yes because this is hilarious."

"One time I was sleeping with my head under the sheets, and then I lied in my dream."

"... and?"

"Well at the time, I was living with my roomate, Sebastian- "

"Ohh the guy with crabs, right?" Voldemort cut him off.

"Yeah. Anyways, since I lied in my dream, my nose, which was covered by my sheets, grew, and Sebastian thought I was having a wet dream that gave me an erection."

"Part of me wants to laugh but the other part of me knows that's cold."

There was another moment of silence, but then Voldemort broke it by laughing his head off and cackling wickedly. "AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA THAT'S THE BEST BEDTIME STORY I'VE EVER HEARD!!"

"Fuck off, man. At least I have a nose."

The laughing cut off abruptly. "That's mean. But after what I've heard, maybe I don't want a nose."

"Yeah? What about when someone says 'nose goes'?"

"Shit. That's cold, man. You wanna take my place as the evil villain in Harry Potter? I think you're better suited for it."

"There is no way I'm taking your place in a story about hairy potheads who hallucinate," Pinocchio said with a scowl.

"Yep... you're definitely more of the cruel type."