W T F

Piss On the Table

Well this is another one of those cliche plots and stuff. Except I kinda just butcher it and mess around with it until it's complete shit, so it closely resembles me. WHOOOOOOO LET'S POOP THIS UP

POOP UP A STORM

Hopefully no one gets offended by this. Just keep in mind that everything in this book is supposed to be overly exaggerated and weird af, so... PROCEED

I sat down.

*dramatic pause*

To my confusion, the whole cafeteria went silent. You could hear a brick drop. Slowly, oh so slowly, I turned my head to look around. Everyone openly stared at me, some shooting me looks of contempt, while others shook their head in pity. Some sniggered and hid their laughs behind their hands. 

Well then.

I had probably just broken some student-established rule or something, but since I had no idea what it was, I couldn't do anything about it. For all I knew, they could've been staring at me in horror for sitting in a non-prestigious way or something. Or maybe I was supposed to stand at the table in complete silence and pray for a minimum of thirty seconds before gracing it with my nonexistent ass. Perhaps this table was the cooty table and I was required to sneeze on it to show respect. All of these reasons were possible, and I was not in the mood to try any of them. So I continued sitting exactly where I was and ate my nutritional meal of dirt.

At my second spoon, I noticed the cafeteria had become even more silent, if possible. 

What now? Sighing, I turned my head for the second time and saw three guys towering over me. 

The first one had jetblack hair straighter than me. He sneered, "Newbie. Worm. Scum of the earth. Get the hell out of our table."

Funny he would call me worm. I mean, I was eating worm shit and other stuff. And since you are what you eat, that makes me worm shit, not a worm... so I guess he got half of it down. 

The second one had white hair that swooped over his orange eyes. He sniggered at his friend's comment and rolled his eyes when I still didn't move. "Do you speak American? You need a translator?"

I blinked but remained silent. What the hell is speaking American? Unless-- smiling, I nodded. "YEEHAW, I DO SPEAK DE MURICA. I AM FREEEEEE LIKE THE EAGLE. MY BLOOD IS RED, THE WHITES OF MY EYES ARE WHITE, AND I AM FEELING BLUE."

"How fucking stupid are you?"

"Erm... American?" [please don't kill me for this... ]

The first two decided I was too stupid and lowly to grace me with a response, so the last one came in with the killer blow. Sweeping his hand through his wavy light brown hair, he scornfully glanced at my meal and scoffed with disdain. "Chocolate for lunch? How healthy. Fatass."

I scowled. "I'll have you know this is not chocolate, but soil." Then as I thought more about the situation, I added, "What the hell is all this about? If you're going to get that territorial about a table, you might as well piss on it."

"Look, peasant. I'm not sure if you're joking, but I frankly do not care- you're worthless to me either way. We gave you a chance to leave our table, but seeing as you're still here, we're going to make your life a living hell. So get the hell out of here before we decide to make things even worse."

I shrugged. "Who are you?"

A gasp rippled through the cafeteria. Jet black haired guy turned his nose up. "We don't answer to commoners like you."

White haired guy smirked evilly. "We're going to be your nightmare very soon. Now leave."

Since I did have to use the bathroom, I rose from the table and began to leave the cafeteria. But on my way out, I was intercepted by a posse of three girls. "Since you're new, and the guys have already made it their job to fuck up your life, we'll let you off easy. We're the Chicks, and they're the Kens, since they closely resemble those fine Ken dolls. And together, we make the Kenchicks. We rule the school. The members of the Kens are Jet Ling Ling, who also goes by Lobert, Whitey Tighties, and Ahoy Matey.(yes, this was supposed to be as stereotypical and stupid as possible) Any questions, you low level scum?"

I slowly shook my head, trying to process this level of stupidity. I would've respected them if their royal name or whatever was the Chickens, but they said the Kenchicks... I mean, what the cluck? "... no... "

"Oh, and that would be your first offense against us, the Chicks. You address us with ma'am after everything you say. Got it?"

What they'd just said flooded through my head, trying to arrange itself in an order that could be translated into the language of an intellectual. Words and images flitted through my mind in a chaotic mess. Immediately, I answered, "Yes, sir."

The girl at the front of the group(they were arranged in a triangle) narrowed her eyes. "Second major offense. You're going down, bitch."

The second girl stepped forward and glared at me. "And we saw the way you looked at them. We'll have you know they're taken. Ahoy Matey's mine. I know his Australian accent is swoon worthy, but it's for me, and for me only. Lobert is hers- " she pointed to the girl who had been in the front, "and Whitey Tighties is hers- " she pointed to the third girl.

The third girl scanned me up and down, sneering. "Watch yourself, bitch. Or you'll be eating dirt soon."

I just gave her a blank stare. "With all due respect, I eat dirt daily. It's done wonders for my health."