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First Kiss

HOOGA HOOGA SHABASHABAWOO HALALALALAAYAAADAH DOO SHADOODAHDEE PAH POO

IF I EVER GET KIDS FOR SOME REASON, ON CHRISTMAS EVE I'LL CLIMB ON THE ROOF AND JUMP UP AND DOWN A TON TO WAKE THEM UP WHILE SCREAMING "HO HO HO" INTO A MEGAPHONE AND THEN FALL DOWN THE CHIMNEY AND BE LIKE "OH HO HO HO I'M STUCK, MIGHT AS WELL POOP HERE"

idk what I was thinking at the end of that sentence

I shoved him, causing him to topple over and slam into the wall. I wasn't sure of whether I should be angry or saddened. How dare he?? My eyes burned. My tongue burned with a sense of loss.

"Merde, what's the problem? Why are you so angry?"

But I was too distraught. Not even his loving, mushy, cute, disgustingly adorable name for me could make up for what he'd done.

Sniffling, I turned to the side and blew my nose into the wall before blubbering, "T-that was my first kiss."

His face paled. "I'm so sorry, my merde."

My eyes stung from the whip of betrayal, and I again shoved him into the wall half heartedly.

"Merde! Merde!"

"Stop saying my adorable nickname already! You can't fix it, no matter how much you try to butter me up with that cuteass endearment!"

"No! I meant shit!"

"Stop saying my name, dammit! I need a second alone." As I snapped back at him, I noticed the porta potty we were in had begun to tip from the impact of him crashing into its wall.

Oh. Shit.

After exchanging a glance, we both reached for the door to get out before the whole thing toppled down, and we were brought even closer to the toilet. Wrong move. The whole thing fell even faster, and a poop remnant that had been on the toilet seat flew up.

We pushed the door again and fell out before the porta potty made full impact.

"You okay, merde?" He gave me a hand-- and as in hand, I mean he gave me a clock hand and put it in my hand before pulling me up.

"No! You stole my first kiss!"

"Relax, relax. I brought more."

I immediately perked up. "You did?"

With a solemn nod, he pulled out a package of hershey's kisses from his packet.

Giving a little twirl of excitement and anticipation for my first kiss, I tore the chocolate from him and peeled away the silver aluminum foil from the delicate chocolate drop. In slow motion, I began bringing it to my lips until he yelled, "WAIT!"

Scowling, I asked, "What now?"

"I accidentally gave you the wrong one." Smiling apologetically, he held out another chocolate kiss.

"What do you mean, 'wrong one'? It's a damn chocolate! They're all the same."

He shook his head. "The one you were just about to eat was poop."

Oh, right. He ate a drop of poop every day to maintain muscle mass and brain cells. So we traded and ate our kisses like those couples people envied and sighed over.