Once upon a time I walked into Barnes and Nobles and saw a book about flirting. I started laughing the shit out of myself and then I got kicked out of the store because... well, public defecation.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WASN'T EVEN FUNNY BUT I'M LAUGHING HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA *coughs* okay
'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE UNSTEADY, A LITTLE UNSTEADY
MAMAAA I'M SORRY
But yeah I actually did see a book on flirting that just made me crack up... sorry, touchy subject. Let's have a moment of silence for Humpty Dumpty.
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A little birdy told me he's whipped for this girl named Shelly. They have a great time egging each other on and scrambling for puns to beat each other.
Anywho about the book on flirting, I read the back of it, laughed even harder, and well... this is what I got from it and what would happen if someone followed it:
Girl: *approaches crush flirtily* Hey, how was your day? *throws back head and laughs*
Guy: *slightly weirded out about the hysterical laughter* It was okay... but now it's better now that you're here. *smirks and maintains intense eye contact with girl*
Girl: *giggles*
Guy: Huh huh *deep creepy chuckle that sounds like he's choking on phlegm*
Girl: *widens eyes while staring deeply into his eyes and smiling* Ooh I love your hair! What conditioner do you use? *leans forward slightly and subtly floofs his hair with one hand while creeping her other hand towards his*
[Her hands' names are Righty Almighty and Creep to the left, to the left]
Guy: I don't use conditioner. Real men don't use conditioner. *grunts and subtly flexes leg*
Girl: *giggles nervously as guy slams his leg down on the table and flexes it* Damn... that calf! *laughes*
Guy: *nods in a macho way* Yes I make sure to feed my baby cow every day.
Girl: Right... *tosses hair*
Guy: *leans closer and chucks table out of the way to get closer*
Girl: *furiously bites her lip trying to tear off piece of dead skin*
Guy: Hold on just give me a sec *tips head back and puts some eyedrops in*
Girl: Whoa your eyes just darkened...
Guy: I love your lips... they're on your face and I can see them *keeps intense eye contact*
Girl: Your biceps are incredible. Can I just, like, feel them? *giggles while eyes water from prolonged eye contact*
Guy: *chuckles creepily* As long as I can feel your hair
Girl: *pokes his bicep extra hard*
*giggles*
Guy: *winces and internally screams- ECH HEM, grunts in pain*
*leans forward and feels her hair*
Girl: I use conditioner *forces smile while staring into his eyes*
Guy: *laughs and gives strained smile while staring into her eyes*
Girl: *giggles* o_o
Guy: *subtly flexes every muscle in his body* o_o
Passerby's Thoughts: Do they really need to take a shit that badly? I mean... strained smile and muscles... check, weirdass eye contact... check, random laughing... check, gradually moving their chairs closer to each other... check. What the-
Girl: *slides chair closer*
Guy: *scoots chair closely while pressing down as hard as he can on the chair to make an extra loud screech to demonstrate masculinity and remind her of a pterodactyl*
Girl: *flutters eyelashes and winces as eyelash drops into her eye* So... *laughs*
Guy: *grunts and reminds himself he's a manly man* Dinner next week?
Girl: *grins while staring directly into his eyes* Sure
Guy: It's a deal *makes unnaturally wide smile while staring directly back into her eyes*
Girl: *subtly sets her hand on his knee*
Guy's Thoughts: Thank goodness I chose to superglue the fake hairs to my legs today.
Guy: *gently sets his hand on her knee*
Girl's Thoughts: YOU FEEL THAT? THAT'S CAUSED A FRESHLY SHAVED LEG SMOOTH AS AN EGG
YOU ARE READING
W T F
ComédieThe title. Warning: very cringy, not a good example of how to act or what to do- and please do not ever, ever try to replicate whatever dynamics or asdkjlf; is going on in the relationships featured This is just here to take tropes I've seen or ra...
