W T F

Date

Ok so this is super super late and it turns out I wrote this awhile ago but kinda forgot to publish it... heh

ALSO

I'M KINDA THINKING ABOUT WRITING A CRAPPY WEREWOLF BOOK ANYONE WANNA READ IT

So... the chapter title... will it be a dried fruit??

a square on a calendar?

that thing where you go out and eat or just hang out with someone who you're trying to get to know as not a friend?

...

If you guessed a dried fruit hanging out with someone it wants to know better while sitting on a picnic blanket made from the date of a calendar,

you're half right

OK LET'S GET TO IT DAH TOOT TOOT *squidward arms*

Let's play a game... it's called

spot the cliches

harder than finding waldo

"So... " he cleared his throat and promptly began choking on his phlegm.

I nodded casually. "Fa..."

"What?" He shrugged and dismissed it. "Anyways, you cool with going to the Moto Moto Grill?"

"Yeah, sounds good." Whew. I can feel the chemistry. The chemistry is really in the air today. The chemistry is really bubbling. It's like it's going to explode the beaker at any moment and leave me with second-degree burns and the complexion of a Smurf. Good times. 

He didn't reply and instead started blasting some heavy metal. For some reason he kept shooting me glances out of the corner of his eye.

Then it clicked. Oh, so he was trying to intimidate me. You know, because obviously it's not just that he was playing music and seeing if I was cringing or something so he could quickly change or something.

Well, obviously, I couldn't let him do that. I had to do something to intimidate him or make him gape in awe of me and my superior uniqueness. What he didn't know was that unlike the other girls, I was a hardcore metal fan. I could windmill my arms at the speed of light while wearing metal cuffs. Who else could do that? And not only that, but rocking on the rocking chair and then rolling off of it in a fetal position- hardcore. I'm so badass. I even laughed it off a few years ago, so my lack of an ass makes my ass a bad ass. 

He does not know what's coming. Smirking to myself, I opened my mouth and began belting the lyrics- just kidding. People have already done that in other books to show their superiority and dominance, so obviously I had to go with another route to show my supreme uniqueness.

I yodeled. When I glanced at him, he had a look of distress and confusion that told me I had succeeded in showing my dominance. Any moment now, he would grin to myself and exclaim "wow, you're not like the other girls... I like that." 

A few more seconds later of me yodeling had him looking like he was going to shit himself.

He swore and shut off the radio before yelling, "The hell?!"

I shrugged. "Yodeling is my favorite pastime."

"Yodeling? You call that yodeling? You were literally screaming 'QUACK'"

"Those wheat quackers from Trader Joe's are the best, I'm telling ya."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, I'm not sure this is going to work."

"Yeah." I nodded in agreement. Thank goodness. I'd decided I didn't like chemistry so much after all. It'd taken months to get that blue off my skin.

"Wait actually, that's the most logical thing you've said. You know what?"

"What?"

"We should try. We can get through this date." He nodded enthusiastically, as if really believing in his idea. Was he on drugs?

Maybe I was on drugs. Wait, no- some of the other girls did drugs. I was not like the other girls. Wait... but some of the other girls didn't do drugs. Well, this was a dilemma. Unless if I became the drug...

Not noticing my inner turmoil, he asked, "So you up for it or what?"

"Yup I'm up." Rub a dub dub mup-pet. Fwub wub. Rubber ducky...

The jolt of the car as he tried to park and nearly crashed into another car broke me from my highly productive thoughts. As soon as he parked, I seductively left the car through the window and nearly face planted, but maybe that was better than smoking a plant. He paused and looked at me with a confused look on his face. "I was going to open the door for you, but... uh... yeah okay."

We walked through the doors of the restaurant like trophy wives and were seated right away. Our waitress gave us a friendly smile and chirped, "I'll be over here when you're ready" before proceeding to ominously stand right behind me in a scarecrow-like stance. In fact, she was standing so close behind me that I could feel the warm carbon dioxide blowing on my head through her flared nostrils. What a wonderful waitress. If only all waitresses were like this.

My wrinkly date and I stared at each other across the table as if we could exchange thoughts about what to order. A solid minute of this passed before we snapped out of our trance and turned to smile at the waitress. "We're ready."

"Alright, sounds good!" She breathed into my hair and spoke directly in my ear.

"I would like the beef stew," said the wrinkly date across from me.

"Got it."

My date then turned to me. "And a salad for the lady?" 

The waitress smiled. "Why thank you, I do love me a good salad. Will you be paying for it?"

He coughed... "Er... I'm sorry, I was speaking to my date."

I smiled. "No, no salad, I think I'd much rather prefer- "

He laughed. "Shit, I knew it. You're going to order a hamburger with fried onions and fries and pizza and chicken wings with a side of chunks of butter and slam your face into the plates as if the food will diffuse through your pores and then stare me down as grease drips down your face and there's a crazed look in your eyes as you declare, 'I'm not like the other girls?'"

How strangely vague and unspecific. Also, he just blew my cover. This was turning out to be mission impossible.

That had a shit ton of ands without the proper grammar. My English teacher would have a heart attack. If that order didn't give her one first. I cleared my throat. Shit, that's exactly what I was going to do. Down to the crazed look in my eyes and all. "No, no, of course not. I was actually going to order, er... " thinking fast, I quickly said, "that brick over there."

"Over where?"

I pointed, and as his eyes followed the direction of my finger, I quickly ducked down under the table. 

Fun fact: I had to walk around a few times in the middle of this chapter because it got too much