Stillborn brother poems

Birthday Poems

So yesterday...or guess technically 2 days ago now since it is 1 am on the 24th, would have been my brother's 13th birthday (2/22). This birthday was particularly hard not only because it is a milestone birthday (he would have been so excited to be a teenager), but also because I am currently in my second semester at college- 5 hours from home. This is the first time I have had to go the entire day (on one of their birthdays) being around people who don't understand how I am feeling, and don't know how they can help- this is all new to them. On one of the boy's birthday's it always brings me joy to just look at my little siblings. seeing them reminds me of how lucky I am to have them, and brings joy to such a rough day. When I give them a hug, I can picture one day giving Kaleb and Ethan a hug too. I was unable to give my siblings or my parents a hug, which was really hard. Also my roommate has a younger brother around the same age as Kaleb and Ethan, and it is really hard to see their amazing relationship. Most days when they facetime I feel a little tug at my heart and I am so happy for her to be able to have that. But the on Kaleb's birthday I was filled with jealousy, because I know that while I could have had that, I will never be able to. She does not realize how lucky she is to have what I could only dream of having. Long story short, if you are reading this and you have a sibling close in age to you, know how lucky you are and make the most of it. Fight less, love more. If you are reading this and you don't have a sibling close in age to you, or no siblings at all, know that it is ok to be jealous of those that do. It doesn't mean you aren't grateful for what you do have, and it certainly does not mean you don't love who you have.

Ok, with all that being said (just kind of poured out my emotions there), I have a new update for you. These two poems are inspired by Kaleb's birthday, as you may have guessed already. It really sucks to wake up in the morning and instead of being filled with joy, singing him happy birthday, and giving him a big hug; immediately being filled with sadness, silently whispering happy birthday to the air, and closing your eyes, just imagining giving him a hug, and what he must look like- now a big teenager. I have gotten to a really good place and I have accepted Kaleb and Ethan's deaths, but that does not mean that it has gotten easier to celebrate their birthday without them. I miss them so much and can't wait to give them a hug, knowing we will never spend another moment apart. Here are the new poems:

____________________________________________________________

Thirteen:

You tuned 13 today

13 what? 13 years?

No that can't be right!

That can't be possible!

It feels like just 13 seconds ago

But then again, it also feels like 1300 years ago.

Somehow yes, it is true

You turned 13 today

Who Have You Grown to Be?

13 years.

A lot can happen in 13 years.

When I think about how much I have changed in the past 13 years,

I am forced to think about how much you have too.

13 years ago, I was almost 6 years old,

I relied on Mom and Dad for everything.

Now, I am almost 19 years old,

And I go to college 5 hours away from home.

13 years ago, you were born sleeping,

A whole bright big future, gone in the blink of an eye.

Now, you are 13 years old,

and I can only imaging what you have been doing up there in heaven.

13 years ago, my world came crashing down,

for the second time.

I was forced to grow up,

Without my brothers.

13 years ago, your life was cut short,

Before it even had a chance to get started.

For reasons I will never quite understand,

Heaven needed you more

13 years ago, I was just a little girl,

And you were just a baby.

Now, I am all grown up and left wondering,

Who you have grown to be?