Topp Dogg Fanfic- Two Groups, One Heart (completed)

Chapter Twenty-Three: I Have No Regrets

Sara-Jo

I can't sleep.  I don't want to.  If my brother comes in, I want to tell him the why.  I want to explain to him why I hid it from him.  He had the right to know.

I feel so weak.  I never let the pain stop me before.  Why did another tumor have to grow in my other ovary?  If it didn't, then I wouldn't be here and the doctors wouldn't be trying to save me.  I don't want to be saved.  I want to die.  I don't care if I'm in a little bit of pain.  If anything, the treatments the doctors give me will kill me before the cancer does.

I've lived like this for a few years now.  Only my friend CL knows about it.  Now, everyone is going to know.  I will have to quit the group.  It's really over.  Everything is done for me.  This is it.  The thoughts bring tears to my eyes.  They're not sad tears, they're thankful tears.

I heard Seogoong talking to Kidoh outside.  He forgot to close the door to cry.  It must really suck for my brother.  He just got his little sister back and he gets news that she's dying.  The tears leave my eyes.  He's going to think that I'm crazy.  Seogoong will do anything to keep me alive.  He will most definitely go against my wishes.  Little do the doctors know, or my brother, that I'm allergic to the medicine they give to people like me.

Then, I heard the shuffling feet of people walking into the hospital room.  I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.  It's time to tell my brother the story.

His red, puffy face walked over to me.  Kidoh was behind him with tears in his eyes.  It made me sick.  They only thought about themselves and how upset they'll be if I leave.  These two boys haven't even thought about how happy I am to know that I'm finally dying.

Seogoong pulled a chair over to my bedside.  He sat and started to rub my hair between his fingers.  The tears were coming back to his eyes at the sight of me.  It almost made me want to cry seeing him upset.

"I have a few things to tell you."  I told him.  I felt more nauseous by the moment.  He chuckled and showed me a smile to hide his confused feelings inside.  I could see it in his eyes though.  He knows I can.  "Don't leave anything out.  Who knows, you could tell me that you got pregnant after you were raped."  I gulped down the saliva in my mouth.  So he has been thinking about the worst.

Kidoh leaned himself against the wall as I started to speak.

"Do you remember CL?"  I asked Seogoong.  He nodded his head.  "Well, when I was at her house for those two weeks after the incident, I had her take me to the hospital.  I was having serious pains in the area under my stomach.  I was nervous and she was a legal adult.  It was easy to pull her off as my guardian."  Seogoong grit his teeth.  "Why didn't you ask me?  I'm always here for you.  I always have been."  I held up my finger and shushed him.  "Quiet brother, I'm telling a story."  He stopped talking and held back everything except his tears.

"So, the doctors checked me for a few things.  They came back to me a few hours later and told me I had something in one of my ovaries.  They told me that they scheduled me for surgery the next day to get it out.  I went and it hurt like hell.  The day after the surgery, they brought me back and told me that it was a tumor and that I had ovarian cancer."  Seogoong tugged on my hair slightly.  I winced.  He took his hands away from me.

I know he's angry because I didn't tell him and it was a few years ago, so of course he's mad.  I continued the story.  "It was my choice to not be treated.  I didn't want to be."  I took a deep breath.  He's going to ask me the reason why and is going to think I'm insane.  "In fact, I was happy that I had cancer.  My life is just one bad thing after another and I can't stand it.  I didn't want them to treat me because I wanted to die.  It seemed like an easy way out without having to kill myself."