The Devil In Disguise

CHAPTER 4: Haunted

"A shadow in the dark is like a whisper on the wind,

Easily dismissible among the world of sin

Paranoia lets you see the darker side of things

And fear binds them all until your walls are closing in."

— deainlustris

After what seemed like years, the ride started to slow. My heart beat erratically to what I'd find now, and my shallow breaths were irregular; I still swore I could taste his smoke on my tongue.

Trembling, I opened my eyes. Then, I opened them wider.

The horses around me were filled with the same children. Their parents casually chatting away, now collecting their kids who galloped off the carousel with wide smiles and windswept hair. I glanced down, looking for something, anything to prove that ... that happened — but what I was looking for wasn't there. His cigarette, just like him, had disappeared into thin air. I gaped, my breathing becoming no more regular than it was before.

Again, with shaky knees, I stumbled off the ride. I was positive that I looked green, and I felt it too. My eyes as wide as saucers, I turned in a three-sixty degree circle, taking in the very real sight before me; all the rides were on and running, people were queuing, paying, laughing. Children stuffed candy floss eagerly into their salivating mouths like starving lions and screamed in either pure fear or pure joy when the rollercoaster zoomed down at a near vertical gradient.

Why am I like this? I asked myself. Why am I so damn messed up?

Because of him, I answered myself. Because of what he did to me, what he put me through.

That beautiful motherfucker.

How could someone so ethereal be so fucked up?

Suddenly, I felt a tap on the shoulder. My breath catching in my chest and my anxiety jumping up in my guts, I spun around, adrenaline preparing me for a fight or flight situation.

"We got you a crepe too!" Mum said, holding the food out out to me.

"It has Nutella and strawberries, just how you like it!" Dad added, winking and ruffling my hair.

My insides still scattered, I held a trembling hand out and took the food, smiling — but it looked more like a grimace. As the sickeningly sweet smell wafted up through my nostrils and intensified my feeling to throw up, I could only think one thing.

I shouldn't have woken up this morning.

***

"Do you think she's excited?"

I stopped descending the stairs and stood stock still, listening in to my parents hushed voices in the living room. They always had secret conversations about me; they thought I didn't know.

"I ... honestly don't know," Dad replied quietly. "It's hard to see many emotions in her these days."

"I know! I don't know what she's thinking anymore ... she's just ... so closed off now," Mum sighed helplessly.

"Hopefully the new school will help her with that. She's been homeschooled for so long, I think having a social life will really help."

"Or any life at all," I snapped suddenly, walking down the rest of the stairs and turning right into the living room.

"Honey —" Mum gasped.
"You were listening?" Dad gaped in guilt. I threw a venomous look at both of them.

"Yes. And I always have been! I know everything about these 'secret' conversations — you know why? 'Cause they're about me and I want to know what you really think behind those encouraging smiles. I'm closed off? No social life? That may be true, but I really don't appreciate you talking about it behind my back! If you could say it to my face —"

"Honey, we know," Mum desperately tried to stop my rant. I halted and glared at her. Then I furrowed my eyebrows — both she and Dad were trying to hide a smile.

"What?" I said warily.

"It's just ... you haven't shown any emotion for a long time — now, ever since the carnival this morning, you have been."

It was hard to stay angry at them. Really hard. I struggled for snappy words; I could tell that what she was saying was true — but I was also annoyed that they didn't understand why I didn't show emotion. I'd rather feel nothing than feel everything — didn't they get that?

"Right. Well, I'm glad you're glad I'm not a robot anymore," I sighed, turning and walking into the kitchen, grabbing a slice of pizza and going back upstairs to my bedroom.

***

I was three months clean.

Three months of not thinking about him, not talking about him, not replaying his actions and words in my head endlessly like a movie reel on loop.

At least, that's what they thought.

The truth was, I thought about him every day. I was haunted by him, his memory — I thought about him and replayed his actions and words in my head every day, endlessly like a movie reel on loop. I just didn't talk about him. And I lied about thinking about him. I told them all that I'd moved on, that I won't let him ruin my life.

You have to understand, I tried so fucking hard to make that true — but I failed every bloody time. Every night, when I closed my eyes, his image would be branded to the backs of my eyelids. That same smile, so gorgeous yet so deadly. Those deep blue eyes, like the treacherous oceans you find, the ones which sometimes have those desolate lighthouses somewhere in them. And his clothes. Oh my, his clothes; a different suit every day, and a different tie to match it. Not a single stain, you'd find — not even a speck of dust, forget a crease. He was immaculate. In every manner.

But where he was flawless on the outside, his personality made up for it — he was monstrous. Lethal. If he laid those intense eyes on you, you knew you were dead.

He was the most disturbed person you'd ever meet.

And he was after me.

A/N:

BOOM! AND THERE YOU HAVE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE INTRO OF THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE. 

ARE YOU EXCITED? SAY YES. IF YOU SAY NO, korosu. (I can't speak Japanese ok forgive me.) IF YOU'RE EXCITED, SAD, HAPPY, OR FEELING ANY EMOTION AT ALL (unless you're a hopeless, soulless, empty void of death and destruction, in which case lol same #twinning #relatable #sendhelp) THEN VOTE! COMMENT! DO THE SHIT I'VE BEEN BEGGING YOU TO DO BC IT RLLY MAKES ME LESS DEPRESSO THAN USUAL!

OK ALL THESE CAPS ARE ASSAULTING ALL OUR EYES SO LET ME tone it down a lil. There we go. Aight, this author's note is too long so lemme conclude: I love you readers and voters and commenters. Those who read but don't vote or comment make me cry everytim. 

--deainlustris