All That Matters

Chapter Eighteen

Ryan's POV

It was getting worse. I couldn't even stay home at night anymore. It made me feel trapped and suffocated. The nightmares wouldn't stop. I shouldn't have tried to sleep last night. My neck ached and my mind hurt. I needed a distraction.

I grabbed my phone as I headed up to the terrace. After two rings the other person picked up.

"Yo Jess", I said, grabbing the railing. "Wanna come over this evening ?"

Hooking up and getting stoned after sounded like a pretty good distraction. Besides , Jessica just got her nipple pierced and she was dying to show it off. I couldn't complain.

They didn't mean anything to me, all these girls I hooked up with. They were just another distraction. A way for me to pass my time.

"Sure I was waiting for you to ask.", she giggled annoyingly. I said bye and cut off the phone and looked at the city.

Suddenly a piercing scream broke my train of thought, causing me to jump in fright.

"What the fuck?", I said under my breath as I regained my composure. I looked around trying to figure out where it had come from. I saw a girl pacing around on the opposite rooftop, clearly frustrated.

Curiosity getting the best of me, I jumped the railing separating the two terraces and walked up to her. As I got closer, I stopped dead on my tracks. Aria.

She was fuming. Her hair blew around wildly in the wind, getting in her face just adding to her frustration. Her shorts ended right below her ass, exposing her tan legs. She wore an oversized baby pink sweatshirt which completely drowned her curves. She paced around in a pair of pink flip flops. Clearly she'd just stomped out of her house not bothering to get dressed.

"Fuck", I muttered to myself as she spotted me.

"What are you staring at ? Have you never seen a female specie ? And if you're here to be mean to me again you can leave.", she huffed at me.

I couldn't help but laugh at how adorable she sounded.

"Not here to be mean to you. Want to talk about it ?", I offered with a smile. Wait, I didn't smile. I turned it off.

She looked hesitant for a moment.
"You'll think its stupid and immature.", she said biting her lip.

My jaw involuntarily clenched. She needed to stop doing that. The biting her lip bullshit. It made me want to grab her and kiss her hard right on the mouth.

What the actual fuck ? I pushed the retarded thought away.

"I probably will but try me.", I said with a shrug. I had nothing better to do anyway, besides I hadn't seen her all week. Not that it mattered but whatever.

"Okay", she said, giving in.

I walked towards the railing again as she followed me. I crouched down and patted the ground next to me, telling her to sit.

"Ew I am not sitting on the dusty rooftop floor.", she said with a disgusted look.

"Okay suit yourself", I said rolling my eyes. Girls could be so stupid at times. Correction. All the time.

"Okay do you want to tell me why you screeched like a fucking lunatic ? Because it sounded like a cat getting run over.", I said.

"You're being mean. I'm leaving bye.", she said.

"Okay bye", I replied with a small smile.

I watched as she deliberately walked a few steps away and then stomped back whining. "That's not fair. You're such a jerk. Fine listen"

And so I did. She rambled on about slipping a bottle of Scotch in her ex's girlfriend's bag and her friend tripping her over. By the time she was done, I was shaking with laughter.

"Its not funny anymoree. Shaun won't stop calling and I don't want to face him.", she said with a pout.

My mouth was dry, I swallowed air. If I could touch her just once she'd never think of that dickface again. What kind of dumbfuck would leave her anyway ?

"What's this Shaun guy's deal anyway?", I asked genuinely curious.

"I don't know. I thought he was this perfect guy and we had so much in common. I really thought he was different but then he ended up cheating on me like every other asshole.", she replied, her brows furrowing in anger.

"Ah, no wonder you were so passionate about defending Vanya that day", I chuckled.

"You know ,it took me months to get over him. All those times I spent curled up into a ball on the floor because it hurt so much and feeling like there's nothing left worth breathing for. I never want to go through that again. I don't have the strength. The worst part it, he wasn't even worth it.", she said in an almost whisper.

Something in me ached to hold her. To comfort her. But I knew better. I didn't know what to say. After all, I hooked up with girls for fun, I wasn't one to talk. Plus I'd never been in an actual relationship so I didn't know what she was feeling. Though I could relate to the not wanting to be alive part.

"Did you guys.. ? You know ? Like fuck each other ?", I asked directly. I wasn't one to beat around the bush.

"NO", she said sticking her tongue out, her eyes growing wide. "I'm not like that. Just him holding me meant the world to me."

I can't see how he kept himself away from her but relief flooded through my body.

"Yeah well there you go babe. Guys my age just want to fuck so.. It isn't a surprise that he cheated.", I said looking away. I couldn't imagine myself holding hands or cuddling with a girl. Gross.

"Anyhow don't fret. You'll find your self a nice guy , who's probably a pussy but he'll hold hands and snuggle with you in bed. That's what you want yea?", I said. She was DEFINITELY not my type. I was trying to make her feel better but I wasn't used to it so that was the best I could do.

"Okay. Thanks", she sniffed, breaking into a smile.

We spent the next fifteen minutes talking. It felt good. To laugh. I hadn't in a long time.

As I was leaving she called out my name.
"Ryan, we can be friends you know?", she said, a little hesitant.

I couldn't. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't let her into my world. She didn't know what it was like. It was all too much for anyone to handle or process. It was just me and the pain. Plus friends didn't have thoughts of kissing each other.

I was letting my feelings in again.
Immediately my guard went up.

"No , we can't Aria", I said walking away from her. Just like I had walked away from everything and everyone else in my life.