Perspectives

21. Hero

"Claire, slow down!" I said, still trying to comprehend the first thing she had said.  Nahuel is not dead? But that's impossible.  He had just disapeared after leaving a suicide note.  There's no way he was all right.  

"Nahuel isn't dead," she repeated, slower this time as though I didn't speak English, "He's in a mental hospital."  

"A mental hospital?" 

"I know," she said, a crack in her voice making it clear she had cried or was still crying, "it totally sounds crazy but he's totally fine.  I mean he cut himself a lot so he's still injured but he's okay.  He just called me."

Suddenly I felt a stab of jealousy, wondering why he had called Claire and not me.  Suddenly it occured to me that I was being absoluetly stupid as he was closer to Claire than we had ever been.  All of these thoughts were racing through my head at once that it made it very hard for me to think.  I had so many questions and before I knew it, they all started pouring out of my mouth like I was throwing up, "Where is the mental hospital? Did he sound sad? What does Jacey think? What do you think? Are you alright? Because it sounds like you were crying.  What did he say? Did he say anything about me? Is he still having thoughts of suicide there? Are they watching him to make sure he doesn't do it there?"  

I stopped, inhaling deeply ready to begin my rant of questions once more.  Before I could go on, Claire interrupted me.

"Dude," she said, "Slow down.  I'll answer your questions but one at a time, please."

"Are you alright? Because it sounds like you were crying."

"Yes I am fine.  Well as fine as I can be with one of my best friends in a mental hospital.  But, I mean he's alive.  What else can I ask for?"

"Were you crying?"

"Yeah I was."

"Are you sure youre alright?"

"I am fine, Hero.  It's you that I'm more worried about.  Are you okay?"

I breathed in a deep sigh and tried to respond with the most convincing lie I could.  I ended up settling for the truth, "No, Claire," I said, my voice painfully cracking.  Before I could help it, the tears came, followed by the sobs.  Claire just sat there, waiting for me to stop.  "I'm not okay, Claire," I said when I could speak, "I've been going crazy forever.  But thank God he's okay.  Thank God."

I held my hands tightly together to keep them from shaking.  My knuckles were light with pressure.  My eyes darted everywhere, leaving me in a simple state of disbelief, hopelessness, and wonder at the same moment.  Claire looked out the window, with the pensieve look that I had come to know, coming from her.  Cara sat in the middle boredly, seemingly the least affected by this.  Maggie sat in the front seat beside her father looking generally sad, a look mixed with sorrow and shame gracing her eyes a few times.  

I couldn't keep myself from shaking as I took in my dreamlike surroundings.  None of it felt psycologically real, like everything was part of a hallucination.  Nahuel had been submitted to a mental hospital ten days ago and the thought of a meeting after all this time felt impossible.  I found myself wondering what it would be like to look into his eyes after ten days.  I wondered how it would feel to have him right in front of me.  Close enough to reach out and embrace him.  Nahuel in front of me, not a dream and not a vision. 

The girl had stayed in my room for three hours after I hung up the phone call with Claire.  Since that night, she had lighted my dreams with her scarred, looking eyes, pale skin with dark tattoos, and cold looking appearance.  I'd given her a jacket before she left once more.  Auburn.  Her name was Auburn and she led a crazy life.  Traveling all over the world, unseen by anyone, watching us all.  Watching our mistakes and watching us live.  She has seen so many people take their own life. Auburn was the most powerful person that had ever lived.  She answered my questions.  I finally had some answers to the questions I had never known of before.  When my mother had graced the staircase, she rolled out the window.  I thought she was hurt but I looked out to find her walking silently on the sidewalk, hood up, blending with what was a natural sight. She disappeared from my sight before i walked back to my bed to lay in restlessness. 

Claire's father pulled into a parking lot to a very sad-looking place.  Every building was a shade of gray.  I tucked my hair behind my ear and swallowed heavily.  Blinking back the tears before they could begin, I stepped out of the car.  The moment I stood on ground, I felt like I was going to fall over.  Claire was right there in seconds, supporting me.  

"You fall, I catch you," she said in a soft voice.  We walked in together, followed by Maggie, Cara, and Claire's fahter.  We walked together like this, supporting eachother as we approached the idea of someone we both hold so dearly like this.  Each step felt like we were becoming closer to something that even my nightmares had never visited.  

The waiting room made me very uneasy and all I could do for myself was clutch my stomach while awaiting something I both wanted and did not want.  Never had I thought that I would ever stand in front of a place like this with Claire.  I never even thought I would ever be her friend, let alone, feeling the same thing she was.  Since when had we become one in the same? I never would understand why it was me standing there.  But, no matter what may have been going through my mind at that moment, I was about to meet with the person that i loved.  I was about to grace a place and time that I never could have imagined would exist for me.  Ready or not, now was the only time this could have happened for me.