Perspectives

22. Nahuel

Rob came around and knocked on the door, "Nahuel, you have visitors."

"Am I going home?" I asked, looking up hopefully.

"No."

"Oh," I walk out of the room and down the dully lit hallway.  The moment I step into the visiting room, Claire stands and takes me into her embrace.  I had missed everything about her from the way she gave hugs to the way she smelled but, in that moment, I couldn't focus on any of that.  My medicine made me so out of it that it was even hard for me to process her existence in the room right in front of me.  By some miracle, I managed to acknowledge the existence of her father in the doorway.  I missed Claire.  A lot.  I have needed something along the lines of her cheery disposition since I've been here.    There was some sort of balance to the friendship we shared, something real that felt right. 

"Are you alright?" she asks, "I've been so worried about you, Nahuel."  When I nod, she looks down into her hands and there is an awkward pause before she  says in a low voice, "I thought you-" she chokes back a sob and tries again, "I thought you were dead.  I thought me telling put you over the edge and you did it.  I'm sorry for telling, Nahuel, I just really couldn't lose you," she put her face in her hands and her shoulders began to shake, "I'm so sorry."

I put my hand on her shoulder and attempted to comfort her.  A single tear rolled down my cheek and i flicked it away before Claire could see it.  She beat herself up when I cried.  I gave up on trying to help her from afar so I pulled her out of her chair and held her in a tight embrace.  She and I needed each other equally.  When she let go, she looked into my eyes.  Her hazel eyes stabbed like daggers; the hurt in them hurt me deeply.

I had felt so numb forever and this was the first thing that had felt real in my life.  Claire and Maggie and Cara were here.  They were real people and they were my friends and they cared.  And Hero was here.  She was here and she was alive and she was breathing and I missed her so much without even realizing the extent.

Claire's father tapped on the door frame, indicating that it was time for Claire to go so that Hero could see me.  Suddenly, I started shaking.  I looked up and so was she.  She was going to leave and I would no longer have her.  My hands shook and my eyes darted.  Part from the meds and part from the complete and utter fear of losing her.  She put her hand on my bicep, "You're going to be okay.  I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered, staring straight past her. When she turned around to walk away, my heart dropped and I reached out quickly to grab her.  I turned her and held her one more time. Put my fingers through her hair.  Took in her sight.  Looked at her eyes.  Anything to keep her in my memory.  I let go and took the smooth paper out of my pocket and handed it to her, "I've been drawing and writing a little bit.  Tell me what you think, okay?"  

She smiled and put her hand on my cheek, "Okay, I will," she said, "Don't worry, Nahuel you will see the end of the pain, I promise."   

With that, Claire walked out the small gray door and out the caged one.  It buzzed, indicating the lock and she was gone.  Little did I know, she had walked out of my life for the next month.  I put my face in my hands and felt my body shake.  Never in my life had I felt more alone.  The door opened and I looked up frightened.  Hero.  Wasn't it cliched that she should come in and save me just then.  I hadn't known her for very long and she'd been saving me over and over already.

She ran to me and we held each other like we were meant to.  Her hand were strong on my back and i pulled her tighter.  She was my strength.  Hero was the fighter inside of me.  She let go and looked into my eyes.  I smiled.  Hero was in front of me, looking into my eyes.  She was here and i could hold her, even if it wasn't for long.  

I pulled her chair out as a gesture that she could sit and I sat across from her.  She took my hand in hers and looked into my eyes again.  A smile.  That's what I knew.  When Hero smiled, her eyes sparkled and I felt a glint of hope inside me.  Maybe I would make it through.  Without saying anything, she had made me understand so much more than a million words from someone else would.  

"How are you?" she said, with a look that indicated how much she cared.

"I'm-"

"Don't tell a lie to me, though," she interrupted.

"I've been better," I said, looking off into the distance so that I wouldn't make her eye contact, "I wish things didn't have to be like this," I looked back at her, "I'm truly very sorry for scaring you and Claire like that.  I wish very much that I hadn't.  Things were just getting difficult.  I'm sorry."

"I just wish things weren't hard for you, Nahuel," it seemed like she didn't intend to let go of my hand any time soon, "I'm standing by you, okay.  I'm not going to let you go down without me.  You're not going to get out of this so easy.  It's going to be hard and you're going to have to fight very hard for this, but I believe with all of my heart that someday you will do what you were made to.  You can't do that if you aren't alive." 

My hand was shaking in hers and I felt my eyes move closer to hers.  I backed away.  I let go of her hand and thanked her for everything she'd done for me.  I walked her to the door and hugged her goodbye.  Suddenly, I had nobody.