stray kids ; changlix | crash ↺

21 | falling in reverse

^^ i was editing this on the bus and people kept looking in, like yes, they're beautiful, deal with it. now i want to write with this concept..

———

"changbin, they'll never let me stay—"

my heart dropped, like a million glass shards shattering against the floor in timeless moments as i just stood there — unable to physically breathe, hands shaking and tears rolling down my face. "w-what?" my voice was a whisper, "but why?—"

something suddenly blared in felix's eyes, like a flame sparking to life in a second way too fast. his lips knotted tightly and the red on his cheeks was different from any other time. his fingers held fists, and his eyes reflected mine in a way that i've never seen before.

"isn't it obvious?" he fumed, "is it so hard to understand that the reason why i never talk about my family is because i don't have one? my parents initially wanted to get rid of me ever since they found out that i'm gay, my accident was a glory to them — an excuse to send me away," he paused, blinking away his tears, "remember we stayed a night at jisung's once? when my older sister called me and then we watched the stars together?"

"of course i remember," i murmured, eyes growing soft for the tiniest moment.

"you know what she told me?" he ignored my mustered words, "she advised me not to come back at all; to stay here for the summer and persuade them at the end to let me live in korea instead of returning home."

the selfish side of me gritted its teeth, so why can't you just do that?

"—and for the first while i was completely broken by the news. my own parents were ready to leave me in a homophobic country just for the sake of me learning my place. but then guess what? i was happy. because it gave me an excuse to stay with you."

"then stay! why, why can't you now?" i snapped, running up to him and taking his hands into mine.

felix laughed, a short laugh with a shake of a head, as he tucked in his lips and shut his eyes to collect the words inside his head. "don't you understand? now that they know about us — their plans of me not finding love crashed. they want me to rot alone until i learn how to be different to who i am. it's why i was here in the first place — simply to be alone," he breathed out slowly.

"but they're your parents—"i stuttered, not making sense in his reasons.

that was the last of felix as he ripped his hands away from my grasp, "changbin wake up! only you have perfect parents, who accept you, who help you. who love you. you don't know what's it like to grow in fear that you'll be kicked out the next day. and i don't blame you for growing up in such a perfect world, no, i'm jealous. i wish my mother taught me how to make pancakes, told me about flowers and invited me to watch the tv together. i wish my father cared for me when i was going out late, assured me that i'll be fine before exams and told me that he loved me every time he left for work. but it's not how things work in my world. they never worked that way."

i stared at him, nothing tumbling out of my mouth as the pain in my chest hurt even more than earlier. "if you think i grew up in a perfect family — you're wrong," i finally whispered.

that got his attention as i saw him calm down from his outbreak, "what do you mean?"

i pulled my hands away from my face with a defeating sigh. "i had an older sister—" my mouth was dry, "—but she drowned when i was six."

there was an overwhelming silence buzzing in my ears.

"she was just out with her friends at the pier, swimming and having fun. but her lungs were weak, and it was impossible to save her in the end. my mom was awaiting a third child then, but because of the accident— she underlay a huge loss and had a miscarriage."

felix's eyes went wide, lips parted in shock as i continued.

"it's been years, but they're still fighting. and i know you can see only their kind smiles and hear their assuring words, but my dad still goes to therapy to overcome depression, and my mom visits my sister's grave every sunday morning," i looked up, "we're not perfect, but what i learned from my parents is — no matter how many times your world is flipped upside down, with the people you love, you can still be happy."

"i'm sorry i—" he felt guilty, i could see it.

"—i didn't want to tell you it like this," i stepped towards him, "but now that you know, i won't be surprised if you want to leave anyways—"

"you're really stupid," i suddenly felt his arms around me, his warmth encircling me as i cried into his shoulder and he inhaled my scent that was drowned with cold rain.

"what are we going to do?" i whispered into his neck, "i've had enough falling."

"i think we spilled out enough of ourselves for one time," he suddenly grazed his lips over my nose, running them down to my chin. "i love you, and if this is our last night together— then i want to spend it in your arms."

"felix—" i brought up my eyes, my hands grazing softly on his jaw, "—let's go home," i kissed him.

and we kissed as if we'd never see each other again, skin against skin, fingers running through hairlocks and walls against my back. he held me close as my legs tangled with his, our lips locked in a promise that we were afraid to break.

and maybe i knew that it was our last kiss, because never have i given so much of myself to someone who was willing to give me all of them too.

and maybe all of this was meant to happen, maybe we weren't supposed to be together in the first place.

because the storm was wild as we cycled home, and the darkness was haunting. i could blame felix's dad for pushing me and hurting my ankle. i could blame myself for inviting him. i could blame for felix coming here in the first place, and therefore blame his friends for being so careless.

but in the end, no matter who i blame — we crashed because of me.

  ——— 

written: march 12, 2018 | 22:26

interesting fact: changbin picked up cycling to strengthen his lungs in fear that he has the same problem as his sister

another interesting fact: this chapter sucks and i'm sorry that it's a mess