stray kids ; changlix | crash ↺

22 | start & end

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i've only ever been in our local hospital twice.

first time was when jisung and i were kids, he was chasing a squirrel and ended up slipping beneath his feet and spraining his ankle. his parents brought me along because the younger boy wouldn't let go of my hand, crying and mumbling that i as his best friend should be there for him at all times. both of us still recall that memory with a faint smile.

my second one, was when i visited my mom for the first time after her miscarriage. she cried so much, face pale and fingers shaking. i couldn't understand what was happening, where was my baby brother? why didn't my mom have a bump anymore? childish worries flooded my mind, and unconscious tears dwelled in my eyes. i was too distracted to notice my mom's sickening look, or my dad's abnormal behaviour, but in the end — my grandfather pulled me aside and whispered a secret into my ear. he said that my brother had a different faith to me, that my brother is safe looking at us all from above as an angel. he said that the universe had different plans for him; and all i could do to help was to treasure my parents and to love those around me.

and that's exactly what i did.

but now, lying as my eyelids glued close — i felt like i was suffocating. i couldn't breathe properly, i couldn't move my fingers.

i started panicking, waking up as i wasn't able to open my eyes. like an echo, i heard a monitor increase in sound, like an alarm connected to my heart as i wanted to scream. and suddenly, i felt hands on me, shapes and figures running in the shadows of my vision. changbin, calm down, i almost heard them say, but i couldn't control it.

they swirled as i kicked around, unable to understand who was causing who harm.

i was lost within a darkness of a storm, within walls of bleached white and a faint calling of my name. chaos doomed in my head, slamming punches and blanking me out. i wasn't able to interpret my memories and the real world — instead they were smashed together in a rumble of destruction.

but a hand unlike any other landed on my forehead with a tender touch, running down my temple as i heard a voice like a void in a dream. "you're okay binnie, please calm down."

and i don't know how — but it worked.

my breathing slowed down, my fists unclenched and my eyes fluttered open painfully.

i don't know if i ever imagined myself ending up in a hospital again, but here i was.

i realised then, that my third time — was after a cycling accident. when felix and i were out in the storm after our broken night.

"he's awake—" i heard someone choking on a sob.

i felt like i could see, but i couldn't understand what i was seeing. there was just too much going on, and it wasn't registering in my head at all.

"family only, kid get out—" a deep voice broke through and i felt the warmth from my face fading away.

"—no!" i cried out, throat in bits as if i swallowed a million of glass shards.

i grabbed onto the hand that almost escaped away, furiously shaking my head as i still watched it all blind.

"don't leave me," i whispered, "please, i can't see—"

and the next moment was filled with flashlights in my eyes, and needles picking my skin but nevertheless — his hand held mine, never letting go as they buzzed all around me.

when i woke up again, the room was dimmed into darkness.

to my right, i saw my parents by the room's window, crying into each others' shoulders as they held themselves as much as they could.

i wanted to wave at them, signal that i'm awake without having to rip my voice apart — but a heavy weight lay on my left hand, and as i adverted my eyes, i couldn't believe that it was felix sleeping there with his face stroked in tears.

i don't know how, but a smile took over my burnt lips.

i might have unconsciously stared at him for too long, seeing new scars running down his spine as i spotted bandages and plasters all over his open skin.

guilt torn me from the inside, i was the one who did this to him.

it was all my fault.

helplessness and panic clutched my chest as i began to stir my breathing, my eyes shut close and i wished that i just disappeared, because someone like me doesn't deserve to come back.

i was too distracted to feel him wake up beside me, calling my parents as my father ran out immediately to get a nurse on night-duty.

"changbinnie, open your eyes, everything is okay," my mother's tone was soothing, her hand was stroking my shoulder gently.

it took longer than the first time, but i gave into her words, and when i opened my eyes — i saw her tired gaze reflecting through the blandness of the room. my father stood behind her, knees buckling as he cried too. and to the other side, felix was endlessly sobbing, nose running loose as his sweater sleeves soaked through.

"—i'm so sorry," was the first thing i mustered to say, syllable by syllable as it ripped me apart.

my parents only cried more, and felix held my hand.

and i really don't know how either of us survived that night, or the storm night, or the four nights before that when i was in a coma — but we somehow made it through, and that's all that mattered in the end.

"i'm never letting you go," felix whispered, glass eyes staring into mine as our hands locked in forever.

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written: march 21, 2018 | 00:25am

before you ask, no, there's more, and brace yourself. i love youuuu♡