Danger

chapter 12.

“I love you. That was the first time I ever heard someone tell me that with such conviction.” I could feel the pain in my chest and heart remembering what had happened. All the passion and love that we shared together made this memory hurt so much more than it should.

I’m still sitting against the wall. I’m starting to get really tired but I know I can’t stop now. She is going to want to know more, I really wish she would just shut up. I don’t want tot be here, and I think she can see it in my eyes. The way I zone out when I am telling a story, or the way I don’t show much emotion even though I should. 

“It was a foreign word to me,” I whispered. I haven’t heard that in a long time. “I don’t even think I love myself.” I pull away from my trance and look up at her. She is leaning outside the cell against the wall, starring at me with such hurt in her eyes, as if she was the one who has been put through all this shit throughout her life

“Did you ever?" I didn't need to give myself much time to think because I knew exactly what my answer was.

“No. No.” I say with absolutely not passion in my voice. I don’t even think I have passion anymore. 

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know,” I sneer. “I never had love. Growing up... even as a little kid. Being told, I was a pussy girl or a faggot all the time. I know I’m not gay, but to people they thought I was. They would always here me talk about how hot a girl was, like a celebrity. I think everyone at some point in their life thinks the opposite gender is hot. It wasn’t like I was a lesbian or anything, the celebrity was hot. I would always joke about kissing her and touching her. It was just something that I wanted to think about. I didn’t think I was, and obviously I’m not. Hearing those words stung me. People really believed I was a monster. None of that doesn’t do much for the self esteem.”

“Who called you that?” She rolled her eyes at me, like she really didn’t believe me.

“My father for starters.” She looks at me and leans off the wall. Her eyes are still locked onto mine, and she starts to walk over towards the cell again. 

“You’re not a pussy, and you’re not a faggot.”  I sneer at her comment.

“I think about touching girls a lot.” 

“Is that what you think a faggot is?” She says. “What a faggot is...is disgusting slang. That is all.” I roll my eyes back at her. I don’t even know why we are talking about this. I’m obviously straight, I just hate how my family didn’t believe me.

“Whatever! I’m straight okay?”

“Well great,” she says as if she isn’t surprised. Of course she isn’t, I tell her about fucking Caspar all the time. “It’s not a bad thing.” I roll my eyes again and look towards the wall again. I don’t need to be here.

A few minutes pass by to let everything sink in. None of this was her business and it definitely would not lead to what why I was in here. All these questions and topics she's going through is only wasting time. I don't want to fucking be here.

“Now, you had love. Genuine Love.” Dr. Carter Moore changes the subject, hoping I would calm down. I start to get a little tense when I don’t want to talk about things. She had hoped it would lighten the mood.

She walks back towards the wall and leans up against in, probably just as tired of talking as I am. I know she is here to figure out why I am in here; that is her job, but I wish it would all just stop. 

“Caspar.” I say and stare back at the wall.

~

We were cuddling once again back at the dorm room. I ended up forgiving him for the night that he made my life go crazy. The way he locked me in his room, it was all so crazy. I don't even know why I was in that room because it wasn't even his. He is in a fraternity, what other secrets is he hiding. I don't know why I keep letting him do this to me, but I let him anyway.

Natalie was in class, and Caspar didn’t have History for another hour. My classes were done for the day and I was thankful for that. Especially Literature, I hated that class so much.

We were talking about movies when an interesting conversation came up.

“Ponyboy. You know, from that movie ‘The Outsiders’?” 

“I like the name, but can’t say I’ve ever seen it.” I say.

He sighs. “You young ones today. Can’t get no respect.” I smile at how cute he is. I never really cared at how old he was.

“What about you?” He asks me.

“Donnie Darko.”

“Who?”

“Jake Gyllenhaal. When he was a teen. That whole dark and brooding thing.” I laugh because he doesn’t know who he is...or at least how hot he is anyway. He's a guy. He shouldn't understand. 

“He had all that dark hair. Had that rebel thing going on.” I smirk and he smiles. we are lying across from each other, he looks so beautiful.

“I had actually got caught beating off thinking about him.” I look at him and laugh. I got confused for a second. Jake Gyllenhaal or Ponyboy?

“Nuh uh, really?” I say.

“I had hung this ‘Outsiders’ poster on my bedroom wall and I thought I was being all inconspicuous about with with it hung behind my bed.” He snickers.

“Oops.”

“I’d lay back with my feet on the pillow and get busy.” I smile because I can’t believe I am hearing about him jacking off to a poster of a guy.

“My mom comes in with a pile of laundry and there I am, whackin’ off.” We start to laugh at how funny it must have been.

“Choking on the chicken, yeah, go on.”

“I’d have my shirt pulled up against my nipples, and my jeans and underwear around my ankles,” he whispers trying to be sexy and pain a picture in my head. Oh, it was working.

“She walks in, and I’m so caught off guard that I roll off the bed and fall to the ground.”

“Classic.” I wink and he starts to laugh because he was embarrassed.

“It was like something out of a Ben Stiller movie, but...I mean honestly, the real experience was not that fun.” I could tell what he meant by that and I blushes. I can’t believe e are really talking about this. I mean we have had sex and everything, but it was just weird saying that I was better than himself. I am sure he has had other girls who pleased him better than I do.

“You were alone.” I say

“Now I have you.” He says trying to seduce me. 

We lay like that for a while admiring each other. I have never been this in love with someone like I am with him. wIt was crazy to see how normal he was outside of all this dangrous activities he does. It is crazy to think I am in love with someone is so wrong for me yet so right. I can’t believe I am in love with someone who can make me feel like shit, but also make me feel like I have never felt before. He was amazing. He was annoying. I hated him. I loved him.

“So let me ask you something?” He asks, making me lose my train of thought.

“Shoot.”

“Do you ever think about finding your dad?” I start to feel angry again. I don’t know why he would ask me something like that. I started to get furious, but didn’t show any emotion of it. This is why I hate him. I wish he would just leave my father out of this.

“I don’t see the point.” I say, trying so hard to not yell at him. I want to stay as calm as i can but it is so hard.

“Closure.” 

“I have thought about it a couple of times. Some day.” I admit, taking a deep breath, letting memories flood through my mind once again.