Words by Hazyfantazy

Alien sensation, in the night

Awake, I lie in the warmth of our bed, the heat from our bodies, making it so. I'm content but still not asleep, as usual. Insomnia, my "friend" for a good few months now, lies in the bed with us, like an uninvited guest.

My ears are alert, as per usual, listening to the sounds of the night. The wind, the distant voices, the cars, the nocturnal animals, are all there making my mind wander to thoughts of, what is that? Oh it's that damn cat.

As I lie there, in my state of inquisitiveness, there's a sound, unfamiliar to me. I cannot explain what it was. It wasn't loud, it wasn't quiet, or I wouldn't have heard it. Yet it was there all the same, now logged in my brain. As it searches the files, filled with records of what I should be hearing. No matches were found, on that strange, strange sound.

Then just as I'm about to forget, I feel I am slipping into slumber, at last, is my first thought. I do not normally feel this aware, of the sensation of falling asleep. It's ususally the turmoil of wakefulness followed by the morning alarm bleep.

But this feeling is different, it's calming, it's in me. I feel my mind floating, yet I'm as grounded as I can still feel the warm presence of my husband beside me. So I succumb to the feeling, as it's enticing and revealing, maybe this is what it feels like in the moment, when you cross from the waking world into sleep.

The sensation continues, from my head to my feet, I feel warmer and glowing, I feel strange, I feel complete. I try to stir, for a moment, just to gather my thoughts but no movement is possible, my body can't be felt. I am me, I am here but i am inside me, that is clear but why can't I move, why can't I speak, "Don't worry with these questions", was that me? Did I speak?

I begin to see, not with my eyes but within me. I see colours and shapes, I feel feelings that I cannot explain. I'm no scared, I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not worried. I'm me. Purely me. LIke I can see my own soul. It's not how I imagined, there's no gaping hole, there are patterns and sounds, there is movement and signs, nothings rigid, nothings solid, everything is fluid and strangely familiar to me.

My questions, they stop. I am no longer a body lying in a bed. I am a spiritual being, an apparition, instead. I feel eyes, not mine, looking at me. Right into me. Not prying or staring, just absorbing and saying, "This is you, take a look, remember this moment. Do not forget what you have seen, you are you, we are us, not merely human beings".

There's a moment of clarity, a moment of truth. Where I can see myself completely, I can see myself understood.

Then slowly, very slowly, I become aware of my body. From my skin to my hair, I'm a body again. I'm still underneath, I start to feel the warm sensation, of the soft cotton sheets.

I try hard to remember, what had just been said to me. Everything is happening so fast, I'm aware, not asleep. I turn to look at my husband, lying next to me, did I move, did he speak, was this all just a dream?

I listen, very hard, to the noises again. They're now the familiar sounds, I hear all of the time. I don't know how to feel, disappointment or fear. What the hell just happened. "One day it will become clear", I hear, from where? I look around again, there is nothing unusual. I try to rationalise with myself, I am losing control, the lack of sleep and the darkness has made me imagine sensations and voices.

I try to shake from the dream, or so I now call it. It's okay, I'm not hurt and I try to apply logic.

One thing is for certain, I will never forget. The feeling of seeing myself, true and exposed. This will stay with me forever, full of wonder and no regret.

I tell no one of my tale, for fear of humilation and laughter. That really doesn't matter. For one day, I know, it will all become clear.