zzzzzz...
Zzzzzzzz...
Zzzzzzzzzzz...
I haven't slept for more than 7 hours since that Sunday night.
They tell me sleep. Sleep, forget whats happened and let the pain wither away in your dreams. Let it all go away, and forget. FORGET. Let go. Let go and be happy.
Truly, id do so. I would.. If i weren't in love with you... You're a fool. You are, and I've come to accept it. Which is why i tried my hardest to just bring you pure joy and happiness.. It worked up until the point you decided to go back to your past. A past that bared nothing but a living hell.. When i began dating you, i didn't feel an ounce of shame. I was so full of confidence, confidence that somehow id be your reason to smile, your reason to be happy. Your reason to have light in yourself. Sadly, i realized i was wrong.. That's why it didn't feel the same after the first three times of me going back to you.. That's why i felt shame. Not necessarily because of you or the people around us, but because of me realizing the failure..
Ripping those paper.. Ripping the love you expressed to me, fragmented me little by little. As if that light, that light i gave to you and the light that is within me, was terminated and traded for hell. Traded for a hell without you. Its as if you steered me away from the sky, only to be pulled into a pit of flames, because now all i feel like doing is crying.
All i feel like doing is closing my eyes and speaking, not to god, but to myself. Telling myself, "Let go..you'll be happier without him, you'll make something change and its for both of you.. Both of you, will be happier..." But i can't deny it Josaiah.. I miss you, And it hurts me as much as it hurts you, I don't want to let go.. I don't.. I'm freaking crying my eyes out right now, thinking of how you'd tell me you loved me. Of how we'd stay up at night just talking about our future together, thinking to myself.. Just thinking, that i failed you. I failed in bringing you to god, i might have brought you for a slight moment, but it deteriorated, and i'm sorry.. Im still sorry, even though i should hate you, hate you for all the shit you gave me.. all of the drama.. but I just cant hate you.. i cant.. I can't cope with all of this.. I haven't cried in so long.. I thought holding it in, holding in the pain you sent to me would help.. But all its doing is holding me hostage..
You say i brought you to God, you say i did.. But why did you let go? Why..? You say its because of all of the crap that's happened, but the stupidity should only bring you closer.. You think i haven't had my doubts about god?? You think i haven't?? Because Josaiah. I can assure you there are times i curse God, curse him with all my might.. And you know, even after that he still loves me. He's still there, i'm a living hell. Yet i stand in faith.. And it is hard, it is, but it all becomes worth it.. I might want to cry, cry until i can no longer feel the agony that is within my destructed heart..but Ill have peace, knowing God is with me through it all..
I haven't texted Jonathan all day, and I'm sorry johnny.. I just.. i can't..I don't know how..i don't know how to let go of something i had such a desire in.. I might not need him, i might be okay without him.. But i can't go on knowing he wont be okay.. Knowing that i failed..
The sound of the piano only brings memories of you to me, I've told you.. When i play i get reminded of you, and i don't have the strength to play anymore. Its like a sting that smolders me with every note i initiate.. Every symphony i create only sounds like screams i cant produce.. I just don't have the strength to play anymore..
They say missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you that you love them.. And i know i shouldn't.. The more i tell myself not to, the more i do.. The more i try to forget, the more i remember.. And it sucks.. It freaking sucks, because now.. all i can think about is my love for you, when i know i should be thinking of nothing more but a life without you..
"החושך שלך יוצר את האור שלי"
