A Collection of Randomness

My Biggest Fear

So many people ask me what my biggest fear is.

I think they expect me to say something generic and expected like the dark, or heights, or spiders--which I am afraid of by the way.

But none of those things scare me half to death.

None of them keep me up at night at just the thought of them.

But how do I explain what I'm actually afraid of?

How do I tell them that I'm deathly afraid of lost love?

Of what-ifs,

of have-beens,

of could've-beens.

How do I voice the fears that I've kept locked in the deepest corners of my mind?

That I am afraid, one day, I will be laying in bed asleep next to my significant other,

or talking to them over a nice dinner,

or resting my head on their shoulder after a long day,

and they will look at me with their critical eye and wonder why they ever fell in love with me in the first place.

I'm afraid they will think about my stubborn heart, and, while they used to love me for it, will now blame our little, obnoxious disagreements on it.

Afraid they will look at my crooked nose and think about how out of place it is on my face, even though it used to be one of their favorite features.

Afraid that they will no longer see the beautiful girl full of lovable faults, but will begin to see me as all of my faults that are no longer lovable, but the cause of all strife.

I am afraid that I will lose everything I have worked to gain over the years,

and will have no one to blame but myself.

Not only that, but I'm so afraid that everything I've done,

everything I've worked so hard to complete

will be for nought.

I'm afraid that I will become a failure in doing the one thing that I am actually passionate about.

And that I will have nowhere else to turn because it is the only place where I feel secure.

It is the only thing that I love and feel like I am actually okay at.

I am afraid that I will be told how completely awful I am, and won't be able to rebound from it.

Because no matter what front I put up,

I am completely terrified for what is to come.