A Collection of Randomness

PTSD

A/N:

First and foremost: If you are one of 'those people' who believe that something cannot be traumatizing because you cannot remember it, kindly exit yourself from this page and my account before reading any further. 

Second: If you are thinking that your trauma is worse than mine, in your opinion and life it well may be, but you cannot compare pain as it is measured differently with each person. So, if you are thinking of telling me how 'great' my life is comparison to yours, just don't. Oh, and kindly exit yourself from this page and my account if that's how you think. 

Third: This is not me complaining about everything horrible in my life. This is my experience with PTSD and how it has affected me thus far. Please respect my experiences, as I know that everyone else's are different than mine and I am not trying to minimize any of your pain that you have gone through. 

Fourth and most important: If you ever need anyone to speak to about anything, my DM's are always open. Feel free to message me at anytime. 

First off, incase you couldn't guess, PTSD sucks. 

Like any other mental illness, it's with you every second of every day nagging at the back of your mind. Trying to break free from its shell.

PTSD comes from many different things. For instance, war veterans may be sensitive to loud noises because of gunshots, or a survivor of an abusive household may be sensitive to yelling. 

My PTSD on the other hand stems from something that not many people know PTSD can come from: adoption. 

This is probably one of the harder forms of it to explain, as there is not specific experience that causes it. It is simply adoption at its core that makes me this way. 

The simplest way for me to describe it is this: my birth mother abandoned me when I was young, so I am now afraid that everyone else in my life is going to leave me. 

Of course, it is much more than just that. 

Ever since I was young, whenever I was left alone or with a babysitter or at a friends, I was afraid that my parents would never come back. I was afraid that they were just going to leave me there and that they didn't want me anymore. 

Because they had other kids. Other children who actually came from their DNA, so why would they want a silly replacement child? 

Let me explain that thought.

After my sister was born, my dad and his ex-wife had another kid. His name was Joshua. He died as a toddler from unknown circumstances. Erik was born a few years after. And I was adopted when Erik was thirteen. 

You see, I'm an accident child. A lot of people I know claim that, but their parents didn't abandon them at a train station. Their mother didn't carrying them in her stomach for nine months just to give them away without knowing if they would even survive. 

I've always been afraid of being replaced. You see, in a way, I replaced Joshua. My twisted logic is if I can replace a child, why can't another child replace me? 

It works that way with friendships too. They had friends before me that I probably replaced, what's to say that they can't replace me that easily? 

It's why I ask so many questions about when and where everything is happening. Because if we have a plan, it's easier to know that everyone is going to be there. If we don't it's easy for me to overthink everything. Like how they might not even show up or they might make different plans with better friends and just leave me behind or they may just forget about me entirely. 

I hate getting those feelings. I hate feeling clingy. I hate feeling helpless. 

I'm just so afraid that they're just going to leave me because of how broken I am inside. Because of how I can't sleep well at night due to how soaked my pillow is from my tears. Because every time someone jokes about being an 'accident' or their parents 'not loving them' because they didn't get the pair of Jordan's they wanted, I feel so lightheaded that I can't breathe. I can't even remember how to. 

Because I am an accident. And I have no idea if my birth parents gave me up because they loved me or because they didn't. 

My PTSD, unlike most others, yet like so many more, stems from abandonment. Because I was left by one of if not the most important person in my life at that time I'm left with this deep-seeded fear that every important person in my life is going to leave me too. 

If a thought like that enters my mind, it takes over until I can no longer focus on anything else. It's like I cannot escape from my fear. It seems to close off my air source so that I cannot breathe to call for help. It causes memories and fears to leak from my eyes as I think about how many people have left me. 

Some days, it's better than others. Better, but still there. Waiting for that trigger to set me spiraling downward again. There's nothing I can do to stop it. It's in my wiring. And I wish that there was a way to fix it. To fix me. But there's not. 

And I'm sorry that I'm like this. 

I'm sorry that I'm so clingy.

I'm sorry that I push people away. 

I'm sorry that I'm not always a good friend. 

I'm sorry that I can only open up to you guys indirectly. 

I'm sorry that I hide behind a mirage of fake smiles and false happiness 24/7.

And I'm sorry that I can't fix any of it. 

I've never talked about any of my PTSD before. This is only a little taste of what it's like for me. There's so much more about it that affects me in different ways. But I hope this helped you understand what it's like in my head, if only just a little.

Remember: your experiences are your own and just because ours may differ, it does not invalidate yours or my pain.