This Isn't The Way I Envisioned Love

Chapter 12

I didn’t know where my mother could be but I assumed at work. I didn’t want to be alone anymore but I didn’t want Preston around because I felt…vulnerable. I shouldn’t have cried like that in front of him. I just trust him so much.

And then the revelation hit me.

Preston is the sweetest guy ever without even letting people know it and he cares for me but I don’t want to be with him. He helped me out with getting out my emotions but I know the person I want to call right now and see what they’re doing is Caspian.

I swallowed.

Should I do it? Do you think he would want to hear about my dad? Or my problems with Preston? Would he help?

Would he get jealous?

I laid back in bed. I waited for my mom all day and when she came home I told her she broke down and I went along with her. I can’t be strong anymore. Suddenly, I felt everything. The drama with my friends and family. The pain with what was going on and I put on a mask.

For two months I pretended. My dad was getting worse but still hanging on. I didn’t hang out with anyone anymore. I told them I had family stuff, work, and school work. Anything. Caspian and I talked a lot. I don’t know why but I ignored my feelings about him. He and Zoe were getting closer but she stayed away from me. I told him about my dad and my mom and school. He told me how things were going. So for two months it seemed Caspian and I grew closer. One night he came home from work and I was eating some ice cream and he threw his work boots on the floor as always.

“How was work?” I asked and he grabbed my spoon taking a bit of my ice cream. “ew.”

“Why ew?” he smiled.

“You kiss Zoe with that mouth.” I laughed and he joined in.

“I brushed my teeth today.” He said in his defense.

“Fine. I’ll let it slide. Back to the question.”

“Fine. Busy as usual.” He muttered.

“Those unethical assholes! What did they do now?” I asked.

I noticed Caspian and I were friends. Well, he was friendly to me. I was crushing hardcore. It didn’t help that I knew his favorite movies and bands and books or that he knew mine or the fact that his favorite superhero was Superman.

“Unethical assholes.” He laughed uncontrollably and after a while I joined in.

“No, they just had me do most of the work.” He said after a fit of laughter.

“As usual.” We avoided talking about the party and I didn’t bring up his engagement although it bugged me.

“How was Luis?”

“How do you think?” I smirked.

“He loves you! I mean he is unimaginably good even when I just say your name.” He leaned his head back.

“You say my name often?” I joked and he blushed.

“Just to Luis.”

I yawned, “alright I got to go. See you Monday.” He usually didn’t have me work Fridays but who am I kidding its becoming a usual.

“Alright Array thanks again.” He hugged me and he held on a bit too long.

“You smell nice.” He muttered and I laughed.

“It’s Versace.” I joked. “No really it’s just Nollie.” Cheap 20 dollar perfume from Pac Sun.

“You wear it well.”

“Uh thanks.” I smiled and waved before walking out.

I went home did my routine and crashed out. I woke up to a phone call.

“Get to the hospital!” My mom yelled and I got up pulled on some clothes and shoes threw my hair up and ran out the door.

I basically ran to the hospital too.  I didn’t have a vehicle.

“Hot doctor!” I said out loud.

“Uh what?” Liam smiled.

“Nothing. I was saying its hot outside and you are a doctor.” I laughed.

“I’m sure you said hot doctor.”

“Okay I call you that from time to time.” I admitted and he laughed.

“I really think coffee would be nice. It doesn’t have to be a date.” He said seriously.

“I’m kind of…emotionally unavailable. I should have said yes when I had the chance.” I mentally hit myself.

“Well, there’s always next time. Let me know when you’re ready.” He winked and walked off.

God, that accent. Why hot doctor, why can’t you be my age? I walked off to my dad’s room and my mom was crying.

“What’s going on?” I asked and my dad shook his head.

“I’m doing chemo or radiation. Whatever it is I‘ll do it.” He said finally.

“Those things aren’t good!” My mom wailed and I rolled my eyes.

“Mom, he’s trying to get better for us and you’re making him feel bad. Knock it off.” I said angrily.

She wiped her tears, “I’m sorry you two.” She smiled weakly.

My mom and dad have both been missing from my life since that day two months ago. It hasn’t been that big of a change though.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked.

“Dad wanted to tell you that.” She said and I shook my head.

“I assumed the worse.” I muttered. “I love you dad.” I said and hugged him.

“I’m glad you forgave me.” He says that every time.

“No big deal.” I said. “I’m gonna head home. Do some homework.”

I said bye and went back home. I hated seeing my dad that way and my mom torn to pieces. It made me want to cry. I did as soon as I got home and I swallowed down my fear.

This is it. I’m going to call him and talk about it…everything. I sighed and called Caspian.

“Array what’s going on?” He said casually.

“Nothing. I was just wondering…” I have to do this. Array, focus. “um, what are you doing?”

“I’m just at home with Luis. Why what’s up?” He sounded amused.

God, I’m making a fool of myself.

I don’t want to be with her… the words popped into my head and I felt a pain. It’s a pain I’ve reoccurred. I’ve been quite the mopey person lately.

“I just, um, I wanted to talk about that night at the party.” I said quickly.

What? What did I want to say?

“Did you want to come by…?” He asked sounding just as confused as I felt.

“If that’s alright with you.” I answered.

“Sure. Do you need a ride?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there soon.” I said and hung up.

Well, I was making a mistake but I grabbed the keys to the old mustang. The car that dad had fixed up and told me never to touch. The car mom and I were barely allowed to look at. I don’t know why. Usually dads liked to share these things with kids but it got worse after the miscarriage. I think he really wanted a boy. I think he wanted this to be his car. Ol’ Junior’s car.  So I hopped in thanking my mom for teaching me to drive stick and drove off.