A Love For Keeps

Disruption

(DAYU)

I don't know how I got home safely from having dinner with Wang Qing. With all the thoughts and turmoil inside myself, I stayed quiet at the backseat of the taxi that I road from that park to our home.

I went straight to my room. I am just glad that my parents and grandfather are asleep already when I touched our homebase.

I just closed the door when my phone rang. I saw IronMan's name flashed on my screen. I rejected that call. I don't want to talk to Wang Qing anymore.

But my phone rang again and it's still Wang Qing calling. I got angry and pressed the on and off button on my phone hard. Until my phone died. I have a mind to block his number so he can't call me again.

And why is he calling me anyway? I told him to lose my number. That is akin to me telling Wang Qing to get out of my life and never bother me again. That he get lost and never contact me. Never call me.

But here he is, calling me. Bastard. Is he a jerk or plain stupid that he didn't  understand that I basically told him to get lost?

I sat on my bed and tried to think of nothing. I suddenly feel tired and all I want to do is rest.

But I also cannot forget the fact that in just one night, I have destroyed every efforts I have made for years in keeping my secrets safe.

Someone managed to learn the truth about me. My truths. The honest truth that I am a girl and I like wearing lacy girly underwears.

If Wang Qing will learn that I like wearing make up too, he will finally learn everything about me.

"Ugh!" I covered my face with my hands. In just one night. One drunken night, I threw away the years and years of efforts I have made to keep myself safe.

To keep that part of me safe.

Now, someone knew the truth and this someone is saying he likes me. Every facets of me. Every crazy things about me.

Is he insane? Is Wang Qing out of his mind? How can he say he likes me and that it doesn't matter to him about who I am or what I feel inside me? That it won't matter to him. How can he like me?

I don't even like myself. I even hate myself.

Yes. It's the truth. There are times when I look in the mirror and despise who I see in it. Someone weak. A liar. A prisoner. Someone who doesn't even know if he wants to free himself from the shackles made of rules and society's criteria of what is right or just stay his course and live a decent and comfortable but unhappy life.

Who will like me? I don't even like me!

Fuck!

I let my body fall on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Pathetic. You are a pathetic person, Feng Jian Yu. Stop it! I reprimanded myself. But I even with that reminder I still cannot stop myself from smiling.

Wang Qing said he likes me. He thinks I am desirable. He said it.

"I like you as a guy. I am gay. You being a guy is mandatory for me to like you and find you desirable. I also like you as a girl. I like the feeling you aroused in me when you insist you are a girl. And it's changing me. Not my sexuality, I am fine being gay, to be honest. But you are changing me in terms of the way I see life."

A game changer. That is what Wang Qing called me. I wonder, what is the game and how am I changing it?

This is life. This is no game. And fuck Wang Qing for confusing me.