A Love For Keeps

Doomed

(DAYU)

I was about to get done packing my things when the door on my room suddenly burst open and my mother stepped inside.

Her eyes widened in shock when she saw my readied luggages.

"What are you doing?" She asked in a faint tone.

"Packing. Obviously," I said in a nonchalant tone.

"Feng Jian Yu!" She is utterly scandalized. "What do you think you are doing? What are you planning to do?"

I abandoned my packing to face her, "What I should have done a long time ago. Leave this place to gain some independence. To have some room to breathe."

My mother got hurt by my words. "You will leave our home? Your family?"

"I will leave so I can start living. I am unhappy here, Mama. I am not living here. I am just merely existing. Barely alive. As I do everything you want for me to do, I am slowly losing my own self. I cannot do this anymore. Please let me go..."

"To where?" Her face hardened. "You will run to that boy. Right? To the grandson of your Grampy's enemy. Are you insane? Yu ah..."

"No," although I considered it at first, I decided not to run to Qing. I want to find my own place where I can be alone to do what I want without anyone bothering me. I can do that in Qing's place too, I know. But I want to know what it feels like to live by myself, just me.

"Yu ah..." she stepped closer to me. "What is happening to you, son? I cannot understand you anymore." She put her hands on my left forearm.

"Did you even try? Understanding me?" I asked her. "When I told you that I feel like a girl, did you even try to understand that?"

My mother let me go. "I did. I tried understanding you. I even talked to some doctors, psychologists, about it. They all think that you are just confuse. What do a nine year old know? You are too young..."

"I am twenty five now. And I still feel like that. I still feel that I am a girl. A gun against my head, Mama, I will say I am a girl." I told her.

"Yu ah!" Tears swam in her eyes. She is clearly frustrated at me.

"Let me go. It's time, Mama. Wang Qing told me that I cannot go on living in doubt and fear. I have to move to change my fate. My life. I am not happy, then I should make a change. And frankly, I can only do that if I will leave the shade you cast on me. Our family's shade..."

"That boy is clearly a bad influence on you..."

"Wang Qing is teaching me to love myself and my life. He came right on time to save me from the sadness that I inflict on myself. He saved me. And he loves me. For who I am..."

"And what about me? Don't I love you enough? I am your mother. I love you..."

"I know." I bit my lower lip in frustration. "I know you love me. Maybe even too much. To the point that your love is strangling me. Mama..."

My mother paled. She took a step away from me. "You think I am strangling you..."

"No." I shook my head. "It's the wrong phrase. I am sorry. But Mama, I have to start doing things on my own. To learn things by myself. You have done enough for me already. It's time for me to teach myself how to live. I cannot do that here..."

"Then leave..." A new voice join our conversation. My father entered my room as well. "If our love is stifling you...leave."

"Baba."

"Honey." My mother cannot believe that Baba is ordering me to go. But my father's eyes remained on me. "If you had made up your mind to go...then go. If you really think we are the heartless villains who strangled the life out of you...then go. But don't stand there and convince us to like your decision. We love you. We are your family. And we want you here with us. You are our only child. We kept you with us because you are our only child and we cannot think of a life without you. Leave. But know that as you walk out of our home, you are breaking my heart. Your Grampy's heart. Your mother's heart. We are this desperate because we cannot imagine this house without you. But if you think you can live without us, then go..."