Between all the fan mail and having to be on tour with Eben, I don't know which is worse. Pretty much none of the fail mail is for me and it's kind of depressing. Everyone plasters a fake smile on their face Every time we have a meet and greet and it's heartbreaking.
Jack tries to tell me it won't last but he doesn't get it. He doesn't get that nobody likes me. I just want to go back to that state where I was pitiful. Just so people would understand how much it hurts without giving them a reaction to the hate.
The hate has gone up again. Every meet and greet there's a new girl who Jack is all sweet with. I just wanna fucking quit this. I want to go home. But sadly I can't.
"Wake up babe it's time for lunch." Jack said waking me up. I hate the name babe now. Hearing all those girls call him that and he doesn't care. Maybe he does I'm just not seeing it. Either way I still blame myself. "Just let me stay here." I say rolling over.
"What's wrong baby girl?" He asks. "What's wrong!?" I question getting out of the bunk. "You really don't see it do you?" I ask licking my lips in frustration. "No." He says quietly.
At this point I'm so mad that I want to cry. "All the mail. The gifts. Eben. You. I just want to go home Jack. None of the mail is for me and every meet and greet you're all sweet with the girls that are the most fake with me. I don't really get it Jack. Why don't people like me? Why don't you like me because I have a feeling you don't really." I said on the verge of tears. "Every day Eben tries to get with me but you don't see it." I say tearing up.
He had nothing to say.
"This is my point. You have nothing to say." I say crying at this point. Right now I'm just yelling at him about everything he's doing and Eben and basically how much I just want to quit and leave.
He doesn't say anything, so I walk away and get dressed with the rest of the boys. I put of my makeup and brush my hair out to be wavy. I wear Nike slides, Nike sweats, a cropped tank top, and a Nike dry-fit headband to keep hair out of my face.
I walk outside with my phone in hand and follow the boys to where ever we are going.
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It's show time and I'm the first one out. I wore this.
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We were doing a mashup differently, so I would be doing the beat. It's the one with Finesse in it. I walked out and recorded the beat, then motioned for them to come out and we started.
I sang Zachs part before Jack.
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Next is the meet and greet. Another example of fake people. I knew this wasn't a good idea from the start.
I remember one of the girls actually just ignored mew and pushed me put of the picture. Jack didn't do anything.
When it was over, I walked back to the bus and changed back to what I had on earlier. I sat on the couch and watched everyone else open their gifts. "I'm sorry you never really get anything." Zach said sitting next to me. "I don't really care anymore." I responded. "I'm still sorry."
"I just want to quit and go home." I said putting my arms behind my head. Zach just hugged me. Once again Jack didn't even flinch when he saw. I've had enough at this point, so I get up and walk over to my bunk and just go to bed.
