Death of humanity

7

KIONE

I stare at Azell as he sleeps. I know I'm lucky, to be the queen of the gods. But I can't help but feel guilty for what I did all those years ago. I hurt him, I know I did. But I don't feel as bad as I should.

I was convinced that he was a bad person. That he was a murderer, that he would kill me next. That he would cheat on me and leave me for someone else that he loved more. Gods are always like that, unfaithful... but I was still afraid of it.

So I manifested that lie that grew too much. It was too successful. I never meant for it to go as far as it did. When they met in the pantheon and that terrible accident ensued... I meant to go comfort him. But I didn't. Instead, I left him alone.

I did the exact thing I didn't want him to do to me.

And I didn't regret it for some time. I revelled in the new place I had, the new love I had, the happiness, the children that I produced. The prosperous marriage, the power I held. I had no idea what I had thrown away.

I wouldn't go back to him. I wouldn't return to him if I had the chance, because he isn't the right one for me. But I think I'd apologise if I knew that I'd be forgiven. But I know I won't be.

I was mad about that at one time. But now I'm not, because I don't deserve forgiveness. I beat myself up about it late at night, when the moonlight shines through the drapes of our bedroom, and I can see the moon in the sky. It reminds me of him. Cold and pale, but still it is loyal. It rises every night.

I used to compare myself to the sun, but now I know it's just naive. I was never loyal enough to rise each day.

He was nothing but loyal to me. And how did I repay him? I left him for it, left him holding his flowers that he'd finally grown, just for me. I know now how long he'd taken to grow them, how much he cared. How much I broke him.

A movement beside me startles me away from my daydream, and I wipe at my cheeks quickly. I look back at the bed, tearing my gaze from the moon and leaving it devoid of my attention once again. Azell is awake.

He looks at me with a frown, his blue eyes glinting. They're paler than his were. Crystals in comparison to deep oceans.

"Kia? Are you ok?" He asks, sitting up. The blankets slide off of him as he moves to sit beside me, concern on his face.

I lean over to kiss him on the cheek. I love him, I love him so much. But I can't help but worry and feel the guilt burn at my insides every time I say it. "I'm fine, love," I tell him, even though I don't believe it.

He takes my hand, smiling gently. I like Azell's smiles. So gentle compared to the storm underneath. "Bad dream?"

"About Lazarius stealing Tarvia?" He jokes, and pokes me in the cheek. It's to cheer me up, but I wish he hadn't said it. It hurts. But I do manage to smile.

"Stop thinking about your brother," I say, but that hurts, too. "Don't let him worry you."

I am fine. I'm ok. I always tell Azell to stop thinking about Lazarius, but I'm such a hypocrite. I won't ever admit that I think about him, too.