It's kinda late, I've been thing. Nothing good comes when those two mix. I'm so tired of feeling alone when I know my family is around. I don't want to feel like this forever. I don't want to keep feeling lonely each year and each year it get worse.
I thought getting in a relationship would help but let me tell you it has not. I'm scared to die alone so I'm really scared to break up. I know I'm young and I'll find someone but I'm so damn awkward...I don't want to die alone I really don't. I don't want to feel like this it's so awful.
I don't even feel like I really matter all that much to him?? He says I do but I can feel it. I'm tired of doing my best just to always be told it's enough.
I'm tired of crying out of nowhere. I'm tired of feeling unimportant. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth anybody's time. I'm so tired.
Sometimes I think why I've even been holding on this long. The years have showed me nothing but sadness and anger. I don't get how I was raised in such a supportive and loving family and I feel like this. Like I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to seem weak. I always want to protect and my stomach sickness is back, I'm losing weight again.
Every night I was god why I can't just pull it together. I ask him why I feel like this why I can't get motivated about anything anymore. I miss how I used to be. I miss me, how happy I used to be how much I could talk to people. How the sun seemed to shine a little brighter back then. I hate school more and more each day. I can't explain how I need help so I don't receive it. I can't even ask for help that's how pathetic I am. I hate crying but I need to cry to someone. I'm tired of crying alone. It's always alone.
Alone here and alone there. This is the only place I can really get this stuff out.
You know what it's like waking up and facing your biggest fear each day? It's terrifying. When my eyes open in the morning I just want to close them again and hope they don't open anymore. I can't even do anything. If I killed myself I would hurt my family greatly and I can't hurt them. But I can't keep going I can feel myself slowing down each day. I feel like I'm walking and not getting anywhere. It feels like I'm drowning while people around me are breathing.
I think I need help. I really think I need help this time. What do I do? I don't know how to even explain how I feel. I'm so scared that this is depression. I've seen my mom struggle with this and it's heartbreaking.
I'm scared that one day it's gonna get bad and I might actually do something. In freshman year I almost reached that point. I'm scared and I'm lost.
I need help this time for real.
