This is a stupid rant I'm in my head again and I just need to say this without actually saying it so
TW
I'm super super sad. I always try and forget but it's in the back of my mind constantly. If I would have known things would be like THIS I would have killed myself when I wanted to. This is such fucking bullshit man I can't fucking handle this I can't. I can't. I spent a good half a day just bawling my eyes out a while ago, I couldn't stop crying. My eyes burned I haven't cried that hard in so long.
All my life ALL MY LIFE my mom had been the constant thing. I don't understand why she would just leave me. Toss me aside along with my siblings I can't wrap my fucking head around it. It's almost my stupid birthday and it's gonna be the first without her. Do you know how fucking awful that shit is?
She would cradle me when I would cry and say
"I wish I could have kept you in my stomach so nothing could hurt you"
What do I do now? What the fuck am I? I got the face of my dad who honestly didn't give a fuck about me and I mean fuck him he wasn't in my life but my mom?? My mom dude?? My moms gonna toss me too? What did I do wrong for BOTH my parents to just straight up leave me? I don't understand I DONT UNDERSTAND.
I graduated for her. I kept going to school even tho I wanted to kill my self everyday JUST to make her proud. I just wanted her to be proud. I feel like a lost fucking lamb. My STEPDAD loves me more like what kind of backwards ass shit is going on?
What's the point of even celebrating my birthday anyways now? The woman that pushed me out doesn't even wanna do anything with me. I just wanna ball up that day and be alone but I gotta put on a stupid face and act like I care. She literally told me to leave dude ommmggg I'm so angry and sad. I'm so so fucking angry and sad.
We used to be so close now I don't even wanna be near her. Her old boyfriend talked bad about my older sibling and she left him but her current boyfriend talks bad about me all the time and SHE DOESNT CARE.
Why does nobody care
Why does it seem like IM always the one that's there for people but when it's me it's oh well like I don't get it man. I'm tired of crying randomly because I know things are never going to be the same. I wish I WISH I would have killed my self I wasn't meant to live this. It's too much for me to handle.
I've always loved my family even with their shit but fuck dude this isn't okay. I went WEEKS of not being sober just so I could move on to another day. I've been strong enough and have been sober for like 3 days but I'm so fucking close to saying fuck it.
I can't deal with this. I can't even fucking sleep right anymore man my mom doesn't fucking love me.
Like? Hello?? What do I do now?
Fuck I'm going to need therapy again. The sad thing is I know I'm not really depressed anymore but this is just so fucking sad that it might just place me back at square one.
Who do I cry to now?
Fuck I know I have family and friends but I can't fucking say this to them. It's so embarrassing .
"Oh yeah my mom left us for her boyfriend who's cheated on her and has a baby with another woman so that's why I wanna disappear"
I CANT SAY THAT SHIT.
"Yeah then she apologized and used me and tricked me to babysit my sibling so she could go out with him even tho I hadn't seen her in weeks"
That's the thing she acts like she misses us but leaves when she gets the chance. I'm so fucking alone in this it's gut wrenching. Part of me wants her out of my life for good like I never want to deal with her.
Part of me also misses her and wants to hug her like I used to. I wanna joke with her like I used to.
What happened. When did it all get so bad.
When did she stop caring.
Uhg I wanna fucking die but I know if I do she'd cry and somehow manage to make it about her even tho I'm 6 feet in dirt lmao
I just wanna get outa here man. I joke and joke and laugh about it but at the end of the day I'm the kid that both parents abandoned for someone else. The L is on me.
That's all. I'm kinda sleepy now so ima head to bed and see how tomorrow is. She's coming soon to pick up my brother. I'm terrified of seeing her. I'm so scared.
I'm so fucking scared.
